It's a GAD GAD World
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Every time I post I always check my stats afterward. I had 20-something views yesterday. For me, that's huge. Then I looked at the referring sites--some of them were porn sites. Not even good porn sites--disgusting porn sites.


I can never remember what I post from post to post. So I apologize if I'm repeating myself.

When I went to see my PCP in September I bitched about the cardiologist clowns who wanted to fry off part of my heart. She referred me to another cardiologist.

I saw that cardiologist this week. I was poised and ready to launch a full-out assault on why this was so unnecessary. Imagine my surprise when she actually agreed with me! She agreed that my symptoms weren't severe enough to warrant an invasive procedure. She put me on a beta-blocker, which I will only take when I have symptoms. Beta blockers are sometimes used to treat GAD, but they can worsen depression. However, my cardiologist doesn't think this will be a problem since I'll only be taking it on an as-needed basis.

She's also ordered a stress test and an ultrasound for my heart (something I was supposed to have a year ago at the cardioclowns' office which they conveniently forgot about), and she wants me to have another fasting blood draw. With a more sensitive blood sugar test to see if I'm pre-diabetic.

The state of the world has me stressed out at the moment. I'm at the point where I don't want to watch the news anymore because it just makes me angry & depressed. I don't want to go into exactly what it is that's pissing me off because it might compromise my anonymity. But I will say I'm disgusted by the rioting and violence that took place on Black Friday. It makes me embarrassed to be an American. How bad does it make us look to other countries when we have to fight over video game systems?

Friday, November 11, 2011
I've been listening to a lot of music over the past few weeks. A LOT of music.

I've also been watching a lot of news coverage, and not just because of the hot reporter.

For a long time I've felt that my life was empty. And for some reason that feeling has gotten worse over the past few weeks. But I don't know how to fill the void.

Religion? Nah. I had too much of that dogma & diatribe rammed down my throat during my childhood & adolescence. Volunteer work? Most days I'm so exhausted when I get home from work that I don't even have the energy to cook dinner & I just shove whatever's handy into my mouth & pass out watching the news. Throwing myself into my work? No, I'm already drowning in it.

A relationship? Yeah, that would work. But if I knew how to make that happen, I would have done it years ago.

The good news is I have nothing I *have* to do this weekend. The bad news is I have nothing to do this weekend. It seems I'm either crazy busy on the weekend & I have no time to recover from my work week, or I spend the weekend staring at the walls going stir crazy.

I'm not suicidal. But I don't really see the point of living if this is all there is. If the world is so damn overpopulated, and I'm not responsible for anyone but myself, why would wanting to check out early make me insane?

Let me repeat: I AM NOT SUICIDAL. I have no plans to kill myself. But it seems like my entire life is just marking time waiting for something to happen. Like death. Because I don't see anything else happening.

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