It's a GAD GAD World
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Started bleeding this morning. I'm only noting this because I want to keep track of how long it lasts. And if I don't note it I won't remember. For the record, I stopped bleeding sometime around Christmas.

And now, back to my regularly scheduled shoe-gazing.

Wednesday, February 08, 2012
Thanks Sweetie for your thoughts. To answer a few of your questions...

*I did try the online dating thing for a while when I first moved to the Big City. Length of time I gave it: 2 years. Number of men I met face-to-face during that time: more than 20. Number of men I saw again after that initial first encounter: 2. Number of men I became romantically involved with: 0. Number of men with whom I am still in contact: again, 0.

*As for the NYC TV guy hookup (he was just cleared of all charges last night, btw)--no, they weren't in their 20s. He's in his early 40s and I think she was in her 30s. What struck me as really odd about it is that he has this image of being kind of a bumbling nerd-muffin. And while not unattractive, he's not the drop-dead gorgeous type you see everywhere on TV. Certainly not some prowling stud. The kind of guy I'd like to date if he weren't related to a prominent government official whom I find utterly abhorrent. If even the nerd-muffins engage in random hookups, what hope do I have?

I originally signed on here tonight for completely different reasons & then saw Sweetie's comments. (I also saw some comments that were apparently posted years ago but didn't show up until now. Sorry about that, Jane.) I'm just so disgusted with the world and with human beings in general. There's just so much stupidity and hatred and yelling. It just makes me want to stay in bed and never come out. There's a Peanuts cartoon where Lucy says "I love mankind, it's people I can't stand." That's sort of how I feel. Or maybe it's that I like people and hate humankind. I don't know. So many knee-jerking mouth-breathers shooting off their mouths and not thinking. The shouting is so loud, and the stupidity and hatred are so vast, and I am so small.

And somehow in this vast swirling cesspool that is humanity I somehow cling to the belief that there might be one person out there who isn't like that. Where could he be? It's like searching for a needle in a haystack. I feel like I'm screaming to the world in a language only I can understand. I scare and intimidate people just by breathing and existing and being me. Why does being me terrorize and alienate so many people? Why is it that the only way I can keep the people I care about in my life is to keep them at arm's length. Why is it that every time--EVERY DAMN TIME--I open up about how I feel, I end up getting kicked in the teeth?

I just don't think I can be a part of this world anymore. But what choice do I have?

Sunday, February 05, 2012
It must be sweeps time. Mr. Reporter is part of a snazzy new promo for the station & he's got a big story running tomorrow night.

I know how this works, because I've done it so many times before. I'll obsess over him until I no longer have a reason to obsess over him and then I'll just find someone new to obsess over. And why do I obsess over public figures like a junior high girl? Because my way of relating to guys is stuck in junior high. I'm in a seemingly permanent state of arrested development. I don't know how to relate to men like an adult. And I wonder why I'm so lonely. And I wonder how to fix it. How do you meet someone and get them to fall in love with you when you've never done it before?

The answer is that you don't. If there's one thing all my shoe-gazing has taught me, it's that I cannot make anyone fall in love with me. If I could, I would have done it a long time ago. And since I have no power in that realm, I'm doomed to spend the rest of my life alone.

I feel like my whole life is just marking time until I drop dead. Mr. Reporter and all the unavailable men I obsess over are just drugs. Music--which I live eat sleep and breathe--is just a drug. The games I play online (not cyberstalking, I mean REAL games like Bejeweled) are just a drug to pass the time. Except for work, everything I do is just a drug to pass time. There is no real meaning and no real joy in my life.

So how the fuck do I get out of it? How do people manage to fall in love with each other? How do people wake up EAGER to face the day? How do people fall so deeply in love with life that they weep at the prospect of losing it?

What do I do? Start attending hippie dippie new age feel-good bullshit seminars? Volunteer in a soup kitchen? Adopt an overseas child whom I can allegedly feed for 14 cents a day? All I know is I don't know how much longer I can just exist in this life with no reason to stay in it.


Powered by Blogger