It's a GAD GAD World
Sunday, August 26, 2012
ALL THESE DREAMS I DREAM
Last night/this morning I dreamed that my mother had left notes on my desk at work. I was so distraught that even in my dream I didn't want to read her notes, I only remember the phrase "for love and by love". As though she were trying to give me advice on how to love and be loved. This from a woman who's spent the past 44 years married to a man who makes Mr. Spock look warm & fuzzy. It was so disturbing that even after I woke up I had to remind myself it was just a dream.
Is this going to haunt me forever? I haven't seen these people in over a decade. Why do they still upset me so much?
I had a job interview almost 2 weeks ago & haven't heard anything. My only hope is that they were as busy with semester opening as I was (same date).
Last week my boss actually thanked me for the job I did during the day. I think it's the first time she's done that since I started working for her.
On a more upbeat note, Mr. Reporter shot me a private FB msg this week. :)
Sunday, August 05, 2012
A WEE BIT OF HAPPINESS
My job is still a nightmare, and I'm still dreading surgery. But I've got 2 good things going. One already happened, and one is about to happen.
The thing that's going to happen is that my boss & my co-workers are leaving for 3 days to do a retreat with students. That means for 3 days they won't be able to bother me much & I'll have the office to myself.
And here's what already happened. Mr. Reporter acknowledged my existence on Facebook.
It wasn't anything huge. He posted something, I commented on it, and he responded to it. But his response came while I was at work and it made my day. No matter how nasty my boss and co-workers got, it didn't matter. Every 2 minutes for the rest of the day (hell, the rest of the WEEK!) I kept going to my FB page & looking at it, and it made me smile.
Like I said, it wasn't huge. But this guy that I've been following for almost a year now knows I'm alive. It's not much, but it's something. And little somethings are what keep me going.
I'm still actively looking to leave my job. But perusing the job ads is so intimidating for me. It seems like all the clerical jobs require either budget/money work or PowerPoint. And I'm not good at either. After what I've been through at my current job, the thought of handling financial transactions scares me to death.
There are things that I'm good at. I'm a sharp proofreader. I kick ass on the phone (or so I've been told, not in those words exactly). I've got integrity. I can write. But those things don't seem to matter very much. Just like my wicked sense of humor, my intelligence, my compassion, my loyalty, and my beautiful eyes don't matter much to men.
Why do I matter so little in this world?
Work has got me popping benzos like there's no tomorrow. Every damn day I'm criticized at least 3-4 times for something I got wrong. But for every thing I get wrong, I get at least 5 things right. Why don't the right things matter?