It's a GAD GAD World
Saturday, January 24, 2004

I've been off Lamictal for 3 weeks & I'm just miserable. I spend days just sitting in my apartment and crying. Nights I'm wide awake, desperately trying to find something decent on TV just to pass the time until Mr. Sandman decides to get off his ass & pay me a visit.

My job at the university officially ended on 1/16. I've got this week off, then I go back to the tax firm starting this Wednesday. I had this wild and crazy idea that I'd clean up my apartment during my week off. I wasn't expecting to be this miserable. It doesn't help that we're in the middle of some FUCKING cold weather and my landlord turns off the heat during the day. Not counting my daily outings to the post office down the block to check my PO box, I can count on 1 hand the number of times I've left the apt in the past 7 days. Once was to go out with a friend (1 week ago tonight), once was for an interview (for a job I didn't get), and last Friday was to see my doctor.

I had hoped to be starting memantine by now. But he told me it wasn't available. I broke down and cried. I told him I couldn't wait anymore and that I was going back on riluzole effective immediately. Then he told me he wanted me to do things "with [his] guidance", then after discussing the possibilities (which were few, since there's no way in hell I'm going on an SSRI & I don't have money or insurance right now) "we" decided to go back on riluzole. So much for his guidance.

So now I'm doing 50 mgs of riluzole a day, which is half the dosage I took during the study. I'm marginally better, and I do mean marginally. And I've spent the entire week sitting in the apartment trying not to eat since I can't afford to buy food anymore.

As I said, job at the tax firm starts Wednesday with a 12-hour shift. Yay. My boss is such a pissy mama's boy. When I told him a 12-hour shift was a little excessive, he said I could take breaks & not to sweat it. What an asshole! He's never worked a 12-hour shift a day in his life. Plus, he knows perfectly well that once tax season kicks into high gear I won't even have time to take a piss, let alone take a break.

And did I mention that this isn't going to pay me enough to live on? The only advantage is that I'll have more time off during the week to job-hunt and go on interviews. And GOD, I hope I find a job before tax season is over. I am so sick of being poor and struggling. My respite from poverty at the university was so nice.

Monday, January 05, 2004

I'm off Lamictal, effective immediately.

Saw the doctor today & told him about my itchy rash. He basically said "let's not fool around" & told me to quit taking the drug. Now.

He's going to put me on Xanax for a couple of weeks, then as soon as memantine comes out we're going to try that. Eventually he wants to do a study on memantine & GAD, so maybe I'll be the prototype. That's me, the human guinea pig...

Sunday, January 04, 2004

I'm awake. Wide awake.

I'm in restless & slightly irritable mode right now. I'm still thinking about the lie my doctor told me. (Another GAD symptom--we re-hash things in our minds even when we shouldn't.)

As of 12/31 I upped my Lamictal dosage to 150mgs/day. It's not helping. If something doesn't kick in by Monday I'm going to have to have a very serious conversation with my doctor. (The guy I no longer trust because he lied to me.)

I'm worried about my neighbor. When I was poor & starving she'd give me the classified section from her Sunday NY Times so I wouldn't have to shell out $3.50 for a paper. For the past 2 weeks she hasn't done that due to poverty on her part. She slips these little notes under my door on Saturdays. Today's note said that a neighbor had to lend her money for food. I wish I could help her, but I'm about to be out of a job myself.

Or maybe not. Not if one of the MANY resumes I cranked out to the university where I'm currently working scores me some luck. The university posts their listings online, & their job page has this cool feature that allows you to apply for more than one position simultaneously. I applied for 11 jobs in 30 minutes. And at least 2 of them were for positions identical to the one I'm currently in.

I also have an interview on Thursday. Unfortunately, it's in the Bronx. I took a test run out there on Friday just to see how long it would take. I have to take the bus into Manhattan, then take the subway out to the Bronx, then take another bus out to the campus. Although I didn't do the Bronx bus thing on my test run, I'm guesstimating that my commute from apt to campus will be @ 2 hours. Ouch. That's really going to suck if I actually get the job. Eventually I'd have to move to the Bronx, but I can't do that immediately because right now I couldn't afford a security deposit. So that would be at least 6 months of getting up at suck o'clock just to make it to work on time. Not to mention the extra transportation costs.

I've got this rash thing going on. You can't see it, but I'm itching like crazy. At first I thought it was the Lamictal. I now know that it's not, but I don't know what the hell it is. I wish I could fill my bathtub with Noxzema and just wallow in it. (Good thing I actually LIKE the smell of Noxzema, otherwise I'd be really miserable.)

Back to sleep.....I wish....

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