It's a GAD GAD World
Monday, January 30, 2006

First of all, a word about my treatment status, for lack of a better term.

As I've mentioned previously, my asshole psychiatrist officially dumped me in the beginning of January. To make a very complicated story short, I've discovered that as a WTC survivor I am entitled to some free mental health treatment through the Red Cross. I've signed up for it, & I will be seeing the nice p-doc again starting 2/9.

More good news: I've got a job. A Real Job. With vacation & benefits & everything. I start tomorrow & I'm nervous. So I'm no longer working the job from hell at the newspaper. I'll talk more about my new job in another post.

And now to what's bugging me at the moment. I've spent more than a few posts talking about the Cute Guy. Well, I've come to the conclusion that he's just not going to warm up to me (even as a friend) no matter what I do.

Then there's CG's brother. Cute Brother is always happy to see me, has been known to initiate hugs with me, and actually responds to my emails when he's not swamped with his work. That's the good news. The bad news is he's got a girlfriend. In fact, he's had this girlfriend for years. I'm surprised they're not married by now.

And the sad thing is I am so lonely and so attention-starved that I eat up his thoughtful gestures even though I know they don't mean a damn thing. I sent him an email either yesterday or early today, I can't remember. (I had a legitimate reason for it, I wasn't just fishing.) He emailed me back this afternoon. I keep reading it over & over because he's so sweet & funny.

What's amazing is that he's nice to me despite the fact that I was so horribly mean to him when we first met. I was introduced to him the night I got fired from Prestigious Institution & spent a good part of the evening crying on CG's shoulder. Between that & the klonopin withdrawal I was such a nasty bitch for about a month, & unfortunately he kinda got caught up in that a little bit.

Afterwards I sent him an email apologizing to him for being so nasty. And while I didn't tell him the real reasons for my nastiness, I did tell him that those reasons had nothing to do with him. And you know what? HE FORGAVE ME!

I know this is never going to work. He's already taken. But it's better than nothing. I'm just so damn sick and tired of having to settle for better than nothing...

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

So I saw this ad for 9/11 counseling in one of the local rags the same day I posted about my asshole psychiatrist. I called that evening and left a message. They called back the next day. To make a long story short, it turns out that as a WTC survivor I'm eligible for 32 free appointments/sessions/whatever from any licensed mental health provider of my choice. I'm also eligible for up to $1500 reimbursement for crazy/sleepy meds.

That's the good news. The bad news is they might not reimburse me for Namenda, since its use for GAD is highly unorthodox. But the asshole gave me a heaping supply of it the last time we saw each other. So I might be able to hold out...

The other good news is that I saw the Cute Guy Friday night. He was performing & I went to see his shtick. I also wore my Santa hat afterwards and told him, "It's Christmas in January!" Then I gave him a tin of my chocolate mint cookies & a homemade CD. He really took the time to talk to me, which was wonderful. He may never fall in love with me, but it feels so good to have someone be nice to me without having to worry about when he's going to stab me in the back.

My new job is a nightmare. If it weren't for the fact that I'm making DAMN good money I'd quit.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

My shithole of a psychiatrist has officially dumped me. Again.

All I did was ask for a small sample of sleep meds. I have insomnia. If I have to be up early the next morning, I have to take a sleep aid the night before. I'm currently working, which means I take sleep aids 5 nights a week.

The last time I saw him (in November during my last week at Famous Hospital), he gave me a generous supply of Lunesta. (He's got samples.) It lasted through most of November because I wasn't working most of November. But in December I picked up a couple of temp jobs.

On 12/11 I emailed him asking for more Lunesta and a prescription for 3 Ambien (all I can afford without health insurance). He never responded to the email.

On 12/19 I left a note at his midtown office reminding him of my request. No response.

Sunday, 1/1 I emailed him again asking for the Lunesta/Ambien for the 3rd time. He sent me an email back saying that I need to find someone who can see me on a regular basis. (Um, what have YOU been doing for the past 2 1/2 years?? Not counting the LAST time you dumped me of course, when I was in the middle of a 100% relapse.)

I emailed him back saying that at this time I have no health insurance and that situation is not likely to change anytime soon. I reminded him that until it did change, he was my sole source of medical care. I reiterated my request & suggested that he leave the stuff in the box outside his office door if he was busy and did not have time to see me. (He's done that before.)

He emailed me back, saying that he only provided meds to patients he saw on a regular basis. I emailed him back saying that I was willing to see him, but that I didn't want any guilt trips from him about how I'm taking up too much of his time. (Sorry, I don't care how busy you are, once a month for 20 minutes of BS & here's your samples is not too much time to spend with a patient.

That last email occurred last night, and I haven't heard from him since.

I am now relapsing. The relapse isn't catastrophic, but it's bad enough. What makes me angry is that I was doing pretty well until this happened. What makes me even angrier is that he's done this to me before (tried to dump me), and I *KNEW* he would do it to me again no matter how many times he told me I was welcome to come back to his office.

And all I wanted was some fucking sleep meds...

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