It's a GAD GAD World
Sunday, July 19, 2009
I GIVE UP
I spent the better part of this weekend zonked out on a lovely cocktail of Remeron, doxepin, and xanax.
The shit with my landlord has died down, but the shit at work has fired up big time. I applied for 4 jobs this weekend, and did another handful over the past week.
If this is all there is to my life, then I no longer want to live. There's just no point. Friday night as I was trying to fall asleep I thought about just lying there and willing myself to die. You know, like old people do when they've been married for an eternity and one of them dies. The surviving spouse loses all will to live and they just waste away, literally dying of a broken heart.
I'm not going to actively try to kill myself. But I give up. I just give up. There is no point in living in this world. I don't even care if I get fired. I don't even think I'll bother to file for unemployment. I'll just lie on the couch all day and zonk myself out on anti-anxiety medication. Maybe I'll do some writing. I found a website that actually pays people to write stuff.
I was flat-out rejected by my classmates in grade school and high school. My "family" disowned me. And aside from the abusive jerk I dated for 5 months in college, I've never been in a real relationship. Maybe it's time for me to finally accept what I've been told all along. Maybe I really am a worthless piece of shit. Maybe I really don't deserve to live.
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Tonight is my last night of freedom before I get back into the routine of work. (I had this entire week off.)
I had some good things happen. I had my annual doctor's appointment and I actually got to see the doctor instead of the half-wit physician's assistant I had last year. A few days later I got my lab results back, and I am officially off Lipitor. I then celebrated this fact by consuming 4 pints of ice cream over 4 days.
I also had my p-doc appointment. This was the first time I'd seen her since December. I only go to see her when I need meds, and I managed to make my doxepin prescription with 3 refills last until now. I told her I was running low on remeron (the ginormous handful of freebies handed to me by the White Russian in 2006 was starting to dwindle). She wrote me a prescription for 30 pills with 5 refills (the max # of refills a doc's allowed to give you). I didn't even ASK for that much! And remeron is not something I take every day. I take it maybe once or twice a month. She gave me 5 refills on the doxepin too, which was good. She refilled my xanax, but I'll have to go back & see her next month to get a refill on the klonopin.
I also had a professional organizer come out to my apartment to ward off any threats from my landlord for clutter eviction. She started pitching magazines left and right & I started freaking out. It brought back memories that I'd long forgotten of my mother saying "clean your room or I'll clean it for you" and how I had no control over my possessions or my privacy. Which also goes a long way toward explaining why my landlord's behavior pissed me off so much.
Anyway, we managed to clear out about 3 boxes and a garbage bag's worth of stuff. I don't know if I'm going to have her back. She was nice and tried to be helpful, but it was just too uncomfortable for me to have this woman reminding me of my mother.
Anxiety-wise, I've been fine--except for when the organizer was pitching my magazines. Then this afternoon the anxiety hit me full force. Probably because I was thinking about having to go back to work. I took a doxepin & I was fine.
At any rate, I don't think I'm going to have to worry about my landlord evicting me. Even if he threatens me with it, the law says he has to give me 30 days to clean up my act.