It's a GAD GAD World
Monday, May 31, 2010
HEAVEN HELP MY HEART
My 200th post. Woo hoo.
I'm staying up late because it's been too damn hot during the day to get anything accomplished.
I had an appointment with my p-doc on Friday. I told her that after cutting my Namenda the cognition (at least with the typing) improved, but my depression got worse, so I went back to my original dosage. She basically shrugged and said fine.
I'm kind of worried about this, but I don't think my p-doc is going to be much help. I'll talk about it with my regular doc (I've got an appt next month) and see what she says.
Here's an example of how my brain is deteriorating. A few months ago I posted something on Facebook about something I was going to do, and how I didn't think it was going to be very pleasant.
Recently I was scrolling through my old posts, and I was horrified to see that I hadn't typed pleasant, but present. That's not a spelling error or a typo. And I just don't make mistakes like that. Part of my job involves proofreading to CATCH mistakes like that. Granted, this in and of itself isn't the end of the world. But the fact that I could make a mistake like this is more than a little disturbing to me.
In other news, I've come to realize that I've fallen completely head over heels in love with the guy I reconnected with on Facebook. The MARRIED guy with 3 kids whom I haven't seen in 20 years. The one I offered to have sex with if he ever came around to my neck of the woods. The one who said he'd keep an open mind about it.
We had a fight a couple of weeks ago. It was all a miscommunication. I shared something personal with him, and he started making stupid smart-ass remarks about it, and I got mad. Mind you, this is all via IM. We haven't spoken yet, in person or on the phone. He immediately shot off an email clarifying what he was trying to say. I fired off an email letting him know I was mad. He responded with concern and expressed a desire to work through this, saying it would be a shame if we stopped talking to each other just a few weeks after re-connecting after 20 years. (I know that last sentence didn't make much sense, but it's late and my brain isn't working right.) I sent him a long email back telling him why I was so upset and agreeing that I didn't want this to make us stop talking to each other.
Why is this tiff so significant? It's the first time in my adult life that I can recall where I was able to get angry with someone and be able to move past it. It's not that I haven't been capable of it, it's that the people I've gotten angry with haven't wanted to work past it. We had a disagreement. We talked about it. We worked through it. And we moved on. I wish I had some way to express how important and amazing that is.
Taoism says that "when the heart is ready the teacher will come". I think my teacher has arrived. It's just a damn shame he's got a wife and a life 9 hours away and I'll only see him once a year if I'm lucky.
If it were love I would give that love every second I have
And I do
Did I know where he'd lead me to?
Did I plan doing all of this for the love of a man?
Well I let it happen anyhow
And what I'm feeling now
Has no easy explanation, reason plays no part
Heaven help my heart
I love him too much
What if he saw my whole existence
Turning around a word, a smile, a touch?
Maybe it's best to love a stranger
Well, that's what I've done
Heaven help my heart
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
...I am now thanking God for Facebook.
In my last post I mentioned a man who loves women so damn much that he couldn't be satisfied with just one. He's married now, with kids. And yes, his wife knows about his extracurricular activity and has given him her blessing.
He and I have been corresponding A LOT ever since I re-connected with him a little over a month ago. Mostly me making smart-ass comments on his posts. He's always known me to be a smart-ass, just as I've always known him to be a horndog.
But this past weekend while cooped up in my apartment with a cold, I wrote him this really long email. I talked about how I was so naive and sheltered when I entered college (he was a senior when I was a freshman) that I couldn't have handled someone like him back then. But that I understood where he was coming from. He wasn't a jerk or a male slut. He didn't *use* women, he *loved* women. And I understood that he couldn't pursue women as successfully as he did if he didn't treat them with respect.
To make a long story short, there was a time after he graduated when he stopped by to visit me in my dorm room and tried to hit on me. I wasn't the type of person to engage in sex with someone I wasn't seriously involved with, and sensing my naive discomfort, he backed off.
I ended my email by officially informing him that I was no longer the naive and sheltered teenager he knew when we were in school, and that he should keep this in mind if/when he ever comes to visit my neck of the woods. (He lives about a 9-hour drive from me.)
He stayed late at work the next night so he could email me back. He thanked me for "getting" him. He confirmed that he just absolutely LOVED women. He said that he hadn't tried to pursue me in college because he realized just how innocent I was. He said that he was extremely flattered that he had made such an impression on me after all these years.
And finally...he attends a conference in a city about 2-3 hours away from me by train. The conference is once a year, and he agreed to meet with me for dinner the next time he was there, and see where things led.
I've been shitting bricks ever since, but in a GOOD way.
I know I'm not going to ride off into the sunset with this man and live happily ever after. But he's a good man. I've known him since I was 17. I trust him.
This is all the good news. The bad news is that his yearly conference is in April. Which means I just missed it. And I've got nearly a year to wait for this momentous event.
But this gives me some incentive to get off my ass and lose some weight. I've been too nervous to eat anyway, just by thinking about the possibility of finally having sex.
And I KNOW it will be amazing. He's obviously a very experienced lover, and he's very affectionate. We already get along so well together that even the initial awkwardness that EVERYONE has the first time they have sex with someone new will smooth over. I know we'll be able to talk about whatever comes up.
I have been reading his email over and over and over again. I've been IM-ing with him nearly every day, even if it's only for a few minutes. I didn't find out until a couple days after he sent me this amazing email that he was in the middle of something HUGE at his job. The fact that he took the time to respond to me in he middle of everything he was dealing with just makes him even more amazing.
I really need to go to bed now. But I'm not sleepy. Not even with the Ambien I took an hour and a half ago. I've been like this ever since I read his email. Just jacked like I've had way too much coffee.
I'm going to try to avoid telling him about my lack of experience until afterwards if possible. I hate to do that, because he's been so completely open & honest with me, & he deserves the same. But part of me is afraid that if he finds out the truth he won't want to out of some sense of honor or something. But I'm not a teenager anymore, he's got permission from the wife to do this, and he is not some stranger I picked up in a bar. There is absolutely nothing wrong in the world with 2 old friends sharing a night of pleasure. And I am going to enjoy it. :) :) :)