It's a GAD GAD World
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
I'M ON THE EDGE
RE: My last post--famous last words. A couple of hours after I posted I started bleeding and it's still going on. But that's only been a few days. Maybe I'll be lucky & I'll have a normal period this time around.
Work has just been sheer and utter hell. I spent most of the day crying on and off. My boss feels bad for me. The higher-ups are blaming her for the ugly situation in our office but it's not her fault. It's the way the office is structured. Things were ugly long before she arrived on the scene.
I can't stop crying. It's not just work, it's being lonely. I just can't stand it. And yet this very day I broke down and cried to a friend who's on the verge of filing for divorce because her unemployed husband sits around and does nothing all day. She's not alone, but she's no better off.
I'll be the first person to acknowledge that there are worse things than being alone. I just can't understand why that seems to be my only option. I'd just like to be able to curl up on the couch with someone & watch tv. I want someone to go to concerts with. And I'd like to be able to give a really good backrub. I'd say that I'd like to give one too, but that would probably be too greedy of me.
The world is just getting uglier and uglier. People are meaner and more desperate. I feel like something is going to explode. I feel like I'M going to explode. And when either of those explosions occurs it's not going to be pretty.
I might have mentioned that I might be moving to a different position in my place of employment. I just found out that it might be weeks before that happens. I swear, I'm going to lose it if I don't get out of my situation soon. I actually told my boss that I wish I could be fired just so I could go home and sleep.
Is this all that there is to life? Work like a dog, come home and collapse, lather rinse repeat? Why am I even alive? I'm of no use to anyone. I can't even do my job right anymore. I've got this huge data entry project that I'm way behind on and I just found out today that I missed one of the steps, so I have to go back and pretty much do it all over again. So the entire operation of the office is being held up because I can't follow fucking directions.
And to all of you who think I'm just being whiny, well...I'm being whiny here because I don't have anyplace else to be whiny, and I've got to be whiny somewhere and let it all out. If I were a decent enough human being to be worthy of a relationship I could lean on my guy's shoulder and cry. But I'm not and I don't. If you don't like it, why are you wasting your time reading my blog? There are plenty of places for you to troll.
I think I'm going to go take some remeron now.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
STOP THIS RIDE I WANT TO GET OFF (in more ways than one)
Exactly one month ago today I spotted a little and haven't bled since. I think my body wants to have a period now but for some reason my uterus isn't cooperating.
My reason for thinking this? For the past week I haven't been able to stop thinking about sex, which makes me think my hormones are up to something. I spent 95% of my time in college like this. Sex was what I'd daydream about in class when the lectures got really boring. Now that I'm an old woman I've finally been relieved of that torture.
But not this week. You wanna know how bad it is? (Of course you do, otherwise you would have stopped reading by now.) Since I don't have a real man in my life, I've been thinking non-stop about a local TV news reporter. I'd been paying attention to him for a while now, but now it's raging my brain. It's so bad that I paid full price for a CD by a certain commercial pop tart whom I wouldn't be caught dead listening to in public because there's something in the title of one of her songs that reminds me of the reporter. (No I'm not naming any names, don't ask.)
I uploaded the song to my computer sometime this week & I've been listening to it nonstop. I'm quite certain I could do it karaoke without looking at the cheat screen if I ever set foot in karaoke bars.
When I was younger I used to beg God to either give me a man or take away my desire to have one. Finally, it seems that He's chosen the latter. Except for moments like this when my hormones decide to act up. I should be grateful though, I guess. At least I still HAVE hormones.
Went to my regular doc last month & gave her an earful about the cardio clowns. She agreed that I had a right to be suspicious. Long story short she referred me to another cardiologist & I have an appt in November. That's the good news. The bad news is that my triglycerides are now up to 333, which is nearly 100 points above what it was last year. And I was TRYING to stay away from deadly food in the month prior to the blood draw. AND taking my vitamins & what's left of my Lipitor. Shit.
I think I'm going to listen to the pop tart a few more times then I'm going to go for a walk.