It's a GAD GAD World
Sunday, April 22, 2012
There seems to be a pattern in my life.

I become friends with someone. At some point they do something to make me mad. I stand up for myself and let them know (as respectfully as I can) that they offended me/I'm uncomfortable with what they did/whatever. They respond by completely cutting me out of their lives.

It happened with my parents. It's happened with a few friends. More than a few. And now it's happened with someone on FB. I've never met her in real life, but she's mutual friends with some of my friends, and that's how we "met". I thought she was a good friend. Then we disagreed about something. She allowed her friends to take a lot of cheap shots at me and stood by silently and did nothing. I wrote her a letter telling her that this wasn't cool and this wasn't how friends treat each other. She didn't respond, so I de-friended her. And within the past week, she blocked me.


In other news, I'm thinking about volunteering for a charity supported by Mr. Reporter. Actually, I've been thinking about it for about 9 months now. What's stopping me? Aside from worrying how I'll be able to balance it with work, I'm worried about what would happen if I actually met Mr. Reporter & he figured out I'm the person who's constantly posting on his wall.

What makes me want to do it? Aside from the possibility of actually meeting Mr. Reporter, the charity deals with issues that are important to me, I have skills and background that I believe would make me a good fit, know all the whining I've been doing here about how my life is so empty and is this all there is and why am I even alive, yadda yadda ad nauseum? This might be a solution.

Depressed people tend to be introspective, and anxious people tend to overthink. This means I'm really good at taking a given situation and contemplating every possible outcome. So I've thought about all the potential issues here. Would I still be interested in this organization even if Mr. Reporter weren't involved with it? Yes--as I said, it deals with issues that interest me. Is Mr. Reporter the reason I'm interested in volunteering? Yes and no. Yes because if it weren't for him I wouldn't even know this charity exists. (And yeah, it would be cool to meet him.) No, because as I said, the charity deals with issues that are important to me. What if I never meet Mr. Reporter? That's ok--as I said, I have reasons other than him for wanting to get involved. What will happen if/when Mr. Reporter figures out I'm all over his FB page? Ultimately I guess it will depend on how he reacts. But I do plan to be brutally honest and answer any of his questions. I know I'm not a threat to him in any way--I'm not interested in following him home & rooting through his garbage or any of that creepy crap. And I'm not stupid enough to think he'd be remotely interested in me. If he's still uncomfortable, that's his problem, not mine. What if I meet Mr. Reporter and he's a total asshole? THAT could be problematic. Then it would depend on how much interaction I'd be required to have with him. If I couldn't work something out where we would be working with the charity at different times, worst case scenario is that one of us would have to go. And since he's very heavily involved and I would just be a flunky volunteer, the person who would end up going would be me. Then again, it would be a problem if *anyone* I worked with was an asshole towards me.

So...I think I'm going to do it. I think I'm going to email the charity. On my birthday. We'll see what happens from there.

Tuesday, April 03, 2012
I've called this post QUIET because 1) that's the name of the book that may change my life--or at least, change the way I think about my GAD; 2) It's what I should be right now because its late & I should be in bed; and 3) it's what I want my raging libido to do about Mr. Reporter.

The book I'm referring to is "Quiet" by Susan Cain. Basically, the book is about how introverts are people too and what tends to happen to them in a culture that favors extrovertism. For a long time I've felt that my GAD was under control but that at any moment, at any given time, something could happen to make it rear its ugly head again. After reading this book I'm beginning to think that maybe what makes it rear its ugly head is me being forced to do something that's anti-introvert. I'm definitely an introvert, and I think I'm becoming more introverted as I age.

I could write a huge fucking post on this, but I need to get to bed. Hey 1 follower, remind me to talk more about this, would you?

So now I'll shift gears to Mr. Reporter. Our local Emmy awards were this weekend, and he picked up some metal. I'm on his FB page, and no one has congratulated him. So why don't I? Because right now I post more often to his page than he does himself. And I try hard to hold back. I try not to post more often than once or twice a month, and I could be posting every DAY if I let myself. (That's not counting comments on his posts about his news segments.)

The day the nominations came out I knew exactly what I would post the day before the ceremony to give him some encouragement, and I did exactly that.

For the record, even though my posts might be a little excessive, I've never said anything sexual or even flirtatious. And for the record, he has never responded to anything I've posted. But then, he doesn't respond to anyone on his FB page.

This is how bad it's getting. When I first started cyber-stalking him I found a gay-related website where people can post threads on whatever topics pop into their heads. Someone had started a thread wondering if Mr. Reporter was gay. And as you can probably imagine, this opened the floodgates for a whole slew of suggestive comments from people involving what they'd like to do to Mr. Reporter if they had the chance. The site isn't moderated real closely, so people can basically say whatever they want on the site & there aren't going to be a lot of consequences. If you believe what's posted, he's a phenomenal drag queen/he's homophobic (beause he gets hit on a lot)/he's a Palin worshipper.

Why is this bad for me? Because I'm thinking about joining the site just so I can get in on the conversation. I'm the only person I know who thinks this guy is cute, & I'd like to be able to talk about him. I don't talk about him to anyone in my real life because I'm afraid they'll check out his FB page and see my posts. I don't gush about how cute he is on FB because I don't want to freak him out in the event we ever did meet in real life.

And if I DID have a Real Life, I wouldn't have so much time to think about this guy, would I?

As for the allegations on the site, I think if he were a crossdresser photos would have surfaced somewhere on the internet by now. As for him being homophobic, I don't know. He's heavily involved in a charity that happens to deal with a lot of LGBT people, and I doubt he would stay that involved if he were really homophobic. As for him being homophobic because he gets hit on, I can understand that. He's not exactly the most rugged butch guy on the planet, and I've got short hair and the body of Jabba the Hut. When you're single and you fit the gay stereotype for your gender, it's not that you dislike gay people, but you've got your defenses up because you don't want people thinking *you're* gay. Not because you think there's something wrong with it, but because you don't want to give any potential significant others the wrong idea.

And as for him being a Palin worshipper, it's possible. I have reason to believe he's a Republican, so this is possible.

Oh God, do you see what I mean? I just can't shut up about this guy when I have the chance to spew. And this place is going to be the only place I can spew unless I join the site.

OK, going to bed before I make myself look any more pathetic than I already do.

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