It's a GAD GAD World
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
...And it was completely uneventful.

She didn't even ask for my damn labs. Just gave me my prescriptions & sent me on my merry way.

I tried to tell her that the Red Cross hasn't been paying her for the past year because the office hasn't given them my EOB. She told me to talk to one of the clerical people. I tried to explain this to her & she totally didn't get it. What a fucking moron. So I give up. If they don't care about whether they get paid, I'm not going to worry about it.

I'd type more, but I am so damn exhausted that I think I'm going to go straight to bed. And it's not even 8pm.

In less than 3 hours I will be sitting in the p-doc's office for what will probably be the final time.

My stress level is through the roof right now. I am worried that when I don't give her ALL my labs like she requested she will refuse to write my Rxs. (I'm giving her the info that proves the White Russian fucked up her lab report, but that's it.) I am worried that when I get to the office something will happen at the last minute & the p-doc won't be able to keep my appt & the receptionist will say "Can you come back in January?" (too late for me to cash in on the Red Cross benefit for the last time) I am worried that somehow I won't be able to get through the appt without telling her that I'm not coming back. (I don't want them to know, I just want to fade away quietly.) I am worried that they will tell me they're terminating their relationship with me before I have a chance to leave & never come back. I'm GAD--I worry about a lot of things!

I did 50 mgs of doxepin & 1/4 of a remeron tablet last night to get to sleep. Then my stupid cat kept me up half the night. Today, on top of my usual Namenda, I plan to do a full klonopin (0.5 mgs) before I leave for work, then 0.5 mgs of Xanax right before I walk into the office.

Wish me luck, y'all...

Monday, December 03, 2007
I spent this entire weekend debating (both internally and externally w/one of my teachers from high school) if and when and how I should start looking for another job. Should I start immediately or wait until I figure out what my situation at Bellevue is going to be? Should I hit hard or should I just send out a couple of feelers? What? When? How? And I prayed and asked God to show me the answer.

Well, the answer came at 9am this morning. My cell phone rings & it's my colleague from work. I won't go into details, but it was something really stupid. I was told (by someone above me who has a few screws loose) to do something. I did exactly as I was told. But it turns out that doing it caused an administrative nightmare. So, even though I did what I was supposed to do, guess who's more than likely going to get a thorough ass-chewing when she shows up for work tomorrow morning?

Within 2 hours I had fired off my first resume/cover letter to a local college.

I've decided that unless I see something REALLY appealing, I'm going to limit my resumes to 1 a day. If I do more than that it's just going to stress the hell out of me. In fact, I think I'm already there. My colleague's phone call set the tone for my entire day, and I can feel myself slipping into breakdown/flipout/crackup/whateverthehellyouwanttocallit mode.

I don't know how often I'm going to be able to blog over the next few weeks. Except for the week between Christmas & New Year's, when I'll be off work and have absolutely nothing to do but go crazy within the 4 walls of my apartment. I won't ask you to pray for me, since I don't know how religious any of you are. But I do ask you to think of me.

The Charlie Brown special comes on in 5 minutes. I'm going to watch it, then I'm going to call my teacher again. Then hopefully my drugs will kick in & I'll zonk out & experience heavenly nothingness until it's time to go back to the hellhole.

Saturday, December 01, 2007
I went to a gig tonight. As gigs go, it was pretty cool and social. I stopped at McDonald's before the gig to hit the ATM and ran into a musician friend who was on his way to the same gig. So we walked over to the venue together. He didn't sit with me though.

Then I ended up sharing a table with 2 people who turned out to be friends with one of the band members. So I hung with the band member for a bit. Then the band did their thing, and all was cool. Then I hung out with the band member & some more of his friends at the bar next door while I waited for my friend to make it to the bar from across town. While I was there I ran into another musician friend whom I hadn't seen in years--literally.

All in all, it was a good night with good music & good conversation. So why do I feel so empty now?

Now for the bad news. I don't want to go into detail, but I've just learned that I am being SERIOUSLY low-balled at work, salary-wise. I'm not supposed to know this, but I do. I'm leaning closer to leaving. I don't want to leave. As of today, I have tied my record for longest amount of time spent at the same job. I've established myself. And for the most part, I like the people I work with.

But there are things I was promised I could do if hired, and those promises have gone unfulfilled. And my insurance won't cover the cost of my psycho treatment. And I am REALLY getting screwed on my salary. To the point where I feel violated. And I'm doing more work for basically the same amount of money.

Should I stay or should I go? I just don't know. I spent this morning looking up comparable positions at other colleges. Some colleges don't post their salaries. But of the ones that do, ALL of them would pay better than what I'm currently earning.

On a different note, here's the good news. I went to a World Trade Center fair this week. It's basically a forum for people to talk about the research they've done on victims & survivors & such. I found out that there's a program at Bellevue that I might be eligible for. So I called them this morning & I've got an appointment in January.

Speaking of the morning...I decided this week that I was going to try upping my doxepin back to 75 mgs. The bad news is that my appetite came back with a vengeance, and that within 1/2 an hour of taking it I was basically dead to the world. But I took 75 mgs last night after my horrible day, was sound asleep by 8pm, and then when I woke up this morning at 5:45am I was wide awake & ready to roll. And I actually got shit done. I can't remember the last morning when that happened.

God, I wish I had someone to hold me right now. I just don't want to be alone. I'm not looking for sex, I just want the warmth and comfort of another human being. I'm tired of fighting all my battles alone. I just want someone in my corner.

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