It's a GAD GAD World
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
I've now been bleeding for 20 consecutive days.

So I've been looking on the 'net trying to figure out why this could happen. I mean, I *know* it's because I'm 40 & my uterus is conking out, I'm just trying to figure out how big of a deal it is.

And every website contradicts the other. One says it's not common and one should RUN to the gyno if it happens because it could be a sign of endometrial cancer, the other says it's common in perimenopausal women and can be regulated with hormonal therapy. One even suggested it could be a vitamin K deficiency.

*sigh* Whatever. At least now I'll have a good excuse as to why I'm not having sex. "Sorry, but I've been on the rag for the last decade."

So it's Thanksgiving Eve & once again it'll be me and a Marie Callender turkey pot pie. And the cat will get a can of cat food, of course. I have holiday presents sitting on my kitchen floor, but I just don't feel like wrapping or sending them. I was going to buy more, but now that I realize what a rotten piece of shit I am, I don't want to for fear it will offend someone.

I will send the gifts I already have, of course. Just to get them out of my apartment.

I've made an appointment with my p-doc for next Friday (12/3). I'm going to tell her that I've been depressed for over a month and the doxepin is no longer working. Our choices are either to up the dosage or switch to a different drug. I'd like to try upping the dosage first, simply because I don't want to go through the hell of trial & error if I can avoid it.

It's been about a week since I've communicated with anyone on FB, on or off FB. I don't think anyone's noticed. Or cared.

Thursday, November 18, 2010
It took snarky complaints about a book list on Facebook (from an English professor, a history buff, and a scientific genius, no less), but I finally understand it.

The DNA-sharers who turned their backs on me and disowned me? The little shits who tortured me in junior high? The roommates who made my life a living hell in college? The men who will have nothing to do with me? These are not random unrelated events. They can't all be wrong.

I really AM a worthless piece of shit who not only doesn't deserve to be loved, I don't even deserve to love anyone--because my love and warmth and concern and caring and affection aren't worth a damn thing. I'm worthless and useless.

It's a damn shame I'm not suicidal.

I give up trying to give a damn about anyone. I am completely alone in the world, and apparently that's exactly what I deserve. I probably shouldn't even bother continuing with this blog, but I probably will because I don't think I'll ever completely eradicate my masochism.

Friday, November 12, 2010
I finally got my period on Saturday. And I'm still bleeding. It's now 7 days, tomorrow will make it 8.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my friend who died 2 years ago. She amassed this amazing following of friends. I wish I could tap into them. I miss my friend very much sometimes. And most of her friends from her other life treat the people who knew her from the life in which I came to know her like personas non gratas. Even her mother hates me, although I'm not sure what I did to offend her.

About the only good news I got this week was on my annual salary increase. That, and I managed to score tickets to a very special concert next week. It's an artist who normally plays with a shitload of backup musicians, but this show will only be him and a piano. So that will be cool.

Remember how I mentioned a while back that I was diagnosed with a Vitamin D deficiency? Well, I read recently that lack of D can cause depression & anxiety. I wonder if maybe this has been my problem all along. (Not withstanding Osama bin Laden's contribution, of course.)

I also never gave an update on my congenital heart abnormality. I went to see a cardiologist, and she wants me to lie naked on a table while they stick needles in my crotch and snake wires from my groin up to my heart so they can fry a part of it off. Possible complications include a punctured lung, bleeding in the heart sac, flatlining on the operating table, and/or having to wear a pacemaker for the rest of my life. They can't even grant me the mercy of being sedated for this. I have to be awake for the entire thing.

Obviously, there is no fucking way in hell I'm going to allow this to happen.

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