It's a GAD GAD World
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
AND THE BLEED GOES ON
I've now been bleeding for 20 consecutive days.
So I've been looking on the 'net trying to figure out why this could happen. I mean, I *know* it's because I'm 40 & my uterus is conking out, I'm just trying to figure out how big of a deal it is.
And every website contradicts the other. One says it's not common and one should RUN to the gyno if it happens because it could be a sign of endometrial cancer, the other says it's common in perimenopausal women and can be regulated with hormonal therapy. One even suggested it could be a vitamin K deficiency.
*sigh* Whatever. At least now I'll have a good excuse as to why I'm not having sex. "Sorry, but I've been on the rag for the last decade."
So it's Thanksgiving Eve & once again it'll be me and a Marie Callender turkey pot pie. And the cat will get a can of cat food, of course. I have holiday presents sitting on my kitchen floor, but I just don't feel like wrapping or sending them. I was going to buy more, but now that I realize what a rotten piece of shit I am, I don't want to for fear it will offend someone.
I will send the gifts I already have, of course. Just to get them out of my apartment.
I've made an appointment with my p-doc for next Friday (12/3). I'm going to tell her that I've been depressed for over a month and the doxepin is no longer working. Our choices are either to up the dosage or switch to a different drug. I'd like to try upping the dosage first, simply because I don't want to go through the hell of trial & error if I can avoid it.
It's been about a week since I've communicated with anyone on FB, on or off FB. I don't think anyone's noticed. Or cared.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
I FINALLY GET IT NOW
It took snarky complaints about a book list on Facebook (from an English professor, a history buff, and a scientific genius, no less), but I finally understand it.
The DNA-sharers who turned their backs on me and disowned me? The little shits who tortured me in junior high? The roommates who made my life a living hell in college? The men who will have nothing to do with me? These are not random unrelated events. They can't all be wrong.
I really AM a worthless piece of shit who not only doesn't deserve to be loved, I don't even deserve to love anyone--because my love and warmth and concern and caring and affection aren't worth a damn thing. I'm worthless and useless.
It's a damn shame I'm not suicidal.
I give up trying to give a damn about anyone. I am completely alone in the world, and apparently that's exactly what I deserve. I probably shouldn't even bother continuing with this blog, but I probably will because I don't think I'll ever completely eradicate my masochism.
Friday, November 12, 2010
CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR
I finally got my period on Saturday. And I'm still bleeding. It's now 7 days, tomorrow will make it 8.
I've been thinking a lot lately about my friend who died 2 years ago. She amassed this amazing following of friends. I wish I could tap into them. I miss my friend very much sometimes. And most of her friends from her other life treat the people who knew her from the life in which I came to know her like personas non gratas. Even her mother hates me, although I'm not sure what I did to offend her.
About the only good news I got this week was on my annual salary increase. That, and I managed to score tickets to a very special concert next week. It's an artist who normally plays with a shitload of backup musicians, but this show will only be him and a piano. So that will be cool.
Remember how I mentioned a while back that I was diagnosed with a Vitamin D deficiency? Well, I read recently that lack of D can cause depression & anxiety. I wonder if maybe this has been my problem all along. (Not withstanding Osama bin Laden's contribution, of course.)
I also never gave an update on my congenital heart abnormality. I went to see a cardiologist, and she wants me to lie naked on a table while they stick needles in my crotch and snake wires from my groin up to my heart so they can fry a part of it off. Possible complications include a punctured lung, bleeding in the heart sac, flatlining on the operating table, and/or having to wear a pacemaker for the rest of my life. They can't even grant me the mercy of being sedated for this. I have to be awake for the entire thing.
Obviously, there is no fucking way in hell I'm going to allow this to happen.