THE UNSPECTACULAR CONCLUSION
OK, to all my readers (and there are what, maybe 5 of you??) who were left spellbound by the cliffhanger in my last post, here's what happened:

I ended up not going.

The rain came down in sheets for most of the morning and early afternoon, and it didn't clear up till what would have been curtain time. So I didn't go. I stayed home and dry. Not to mention dry-eyed.

Just as well. I saved $20, & I didn't ruin Cute Guy's special day, which is probably what would have happened if I had shown up.

Had an appointment with my p-doc on Friday. By some miracle she was only running late by about 15 minutes. But this time her excuse for being late was that she had to smoke. She must have gone all day without a cigarette, because throughout my entire appointment her hands were shaking. My chemistry teacher's hands used to shake like that.

But anyway, she asked me how work was going. I said OK. Then she asked me if I'd gotten a raise yet. I don't know what business that was of hers, but I said yes, I had. Then she asked me about my social life. I said I didn't have one. She asked me what I did all day. I said I go to work, come home, sack out, eat dinner and/or shower if I have the energy, then go to sleep. And on weekends I typically go the entire time without speaking to anyone.

She said I needed to start joining some groups. I asked why. She said because I didn't have a social life. I asked why that was a problem for her. She said, "It's not a problem for you?" I said no. Then she dropped the subject & moved on to something else.

Of course this was a big fat lie. Of course I feel lonely & isolated. But I wasn't about to break down & sob my heart out in front of a woman who at the moment can't focus on anything but her next opportunity to light up.
- posted by Pat @ 9:16 AM | 0 comments

 
SOMETHING STUPID
Thanks Anonymous for your comment.

I am contemplating doing something stupid tomorrow. What I'm contemplating is going into the city tomorrow (in weather predicted to be nothing short of ugly) to see an original play about a lonely little boy who has no one to play with except the gargoyles on the roof of his building, and the events that unfold when the little boy receives a mysterious invitation to a party from the gargoyles.

Why is this stupid? Because the play was written by the Cute Guy. And he's probably going to be there. And I'm going to spend $20 to see it in the afternoon when I'm planning to go to a concert later that night. Which means I'll end up spending the whole day in the city. In shitty weather.

I haven't seen or communicated with the Cute Guy since July. In my wildest dreams what I imagine will happen is that I'll get dressed up in something stunning, the Cute Guy will not be able to take his eyes from me, he'll make an honest effort to talk to me, we'll iron out our differences, & then maybe have a cup of coffee together. In reality what will probably happen is that my stunning outfit (yeah right, as if I could look stunning in ANYTHING) will get ruined by the driving rain, the bus will be late (also because of the rain), I'll arrive late looking like a drowned rat, the Cute Guy won't even acknowledge my presence, and an evil groupie I like to call the Psychoslut will be there, not-so-innocently shoving her tits into his face at every opportunity.
- posted by Pat @ 9:50 PM | 0 comments

 
I'M BRINGING PAXIL BACK
The above link is to a YouTube video. It's a parody of Justin Timberlake's "Sexy Back". Enjoy!

BTW...I know that my last post didn't explain a hell of a lot. But I don't think it would be a good idea to continue with it because I'm trying to get past that stuff & at this point blogging about it would just dredge it up again & I don't want that. Sorry, but I gotta take care of me first.
- posted by Pat @ 9:15 PM | 0 comments

 
OCTOBER 10
Sorry, couldn't think of a catchy title.

This is turning out to be NOT a good week. At all.

Sometime last week I came home & saw a notice taped to the entrance door of my building. The state inspector was coming to look at all the apartments. I thought, "OK, I'll just do some serious cleaning over the weekend & I'll be ok."

Now, if you've ever lived in a studio apartment, you know how damn difficult they are to clean. You can't clean anywhere, because you're in a space so small that you can't move anything! Despite this, I spent Saturday removing everything off my kitchen & bathroom floors so I could sweep and mop. Despite my sweeping & mopping, when I was finished it looked as though I hadn't done a damn thing.

Dinner's ready. Gotta go. will finish later.
- posted by Pat @ 7:57 PM | 0 comments

 
HOUSECLEANING DONE!
Thanks Jane for your comment. Since it wasn't just a bullshit post to test the system I published it.

I actually felt good for about a day this week. It was Friday.I felt clear. I felt like I could actually accomplish something. Now I'm back to being a vegetable.

I don't really feel sad, just blah. I have a 3 day weekend, & instead of getting anything done I'm going to spend it lying on the couch/bed because I just can't get off my fat lazy ass. And the fact that I'm blogging at 2:30 am should give you an idea of how well my insomnia's doing.

There's a band playing tomorrow night. I'd like to see them, and normally I wouldn't go on a Sunday, but as I said I have Monday off. At this point I doubt I'll even be able to take a shower.

Y'know the Claritin commercials where they peel the gray film back & suddenly everything looks brighter & clearer? I felt like someone pulled the gray flap of my life up a little on Friday & now they've dropped it again.
- posted by Pat @ 2:40 AM | 0 comments