It's a GAD GAD World
Sunday, March 18, 2007
So...I had what I thought would be my final appt at the White Russian's office with the nurse-practitioner. And guess what? It actually went pretty well.

She asked how I was doing. I said basically ok. (Which was true, aside from the hell I went thru trying to find another p-doc, which I wasn't going to tell her about.) I then said that I needed some prescriptions. I had actually dropped off a list at the office the day before so that the n-p could go over it with the White Russian in case she had any problems or concerns. But--surprise, surprise--the clerical staff had failed to give it to the n-p.

I told the n-p exactly what I wanted & she gave it to me. Without question. She even went into the p-doc's office & brought me some Namenda samples. (Last visit the n-p told me she didn't have any Namenda.) And there were no lectures. No attitude. Nothing about me being a bad girl.

I know that some of you reading are going to pull your hair out when I say this, but...I'm actually thinking of staying. It would certainly be easier than switching, and trying to convince a new p-doc to go with my current drug regimen. And there would be less paperwork involved.

The n-p gave me the card of a t-doc who's affiliated with the practice. She also gave me 2 refills on most of the prescriptions she gave me (except xanax--she can't give refills on that). And just before the visit concluded she said, "See [t-doc], and you decide when you want to see me again."

So I think that's what I'm going to do. While I don't relish the idea of going to a t-doc (no offense to those of you who have benefitted from "talk therapy", it's just not my thing), it is a good idea for me to see someone at least once a month. And if I don't need meds, there's not much point in wasting the time of whoever it is that's writing out my prescriptions. So maybe I'll just check in with the t-doc once a month & see the n-p when I need meds.

And I guess I've kind of settled on the White Russian as the p-doc's official nickname. Thanks to those of you who contributed, but your ideas didn't really grab me, and I can't come up with anything better. Actually I did come up with something better, but I can't use it in the blog because it involves using her first name.

It's 2:30am. Grrr...stupid fucking insomnia...

Sunday, March 11, 2007
Recently I read about a phenomenon that mental health professionals were calling "Sunday night anxiety". This is something experienced by working professionals who dread going to work on Monday morning.

I can relate. I feel it just about every weekend. Only for me, it kicks in around late Saturday night. In fact I'm feeling it right this very minute.

What I don't understand is WHY I'm feeling this way. It made perfect sense for me to feel it when I worked at Prestigious Institution. That job was a pressure-cooking nightmare. But my current job isn't like that.

In fact, I have good reason to believe that tomorrow I'm going to spend most of the day working reception. This means that unless the phone is ringing, I'm pretty much free to do whatever I want while I'm sitting at the desk. This is about as low-stress as my job gets.

So why am I antsy?

And why am I antsy about my upcoming appt with the nurse-practitioner (the one at my as-yet-unnicknamed soon-to-be-former p-doc)? I'm just going to go in there & lie my ass off & say that everything's been basically fine since I last saw her.

Oh, BTW--Thanks to y'all for your comments. I'm taking the philosophy to heart of trying to be especially good to myself during a depressive phase. I'll let you know how it works.

Sunday, March 04, 2007
Thanks Jane for your comment.

I suspect that there is a great deal of truth to this whole thing about anger and/or anxiety being cyclical with depression. Sometimes I feel like I'm bi-polar, only my "ups" aren't about rage or being hyper-energetic, they're about being stressed. This may explain why Lamictal (a drug commonly used to treat bi-polar depression) worked for me briefly.

I've been in depressed mode most of the weekend, and I suspect it's a rebound from my stressed-out adventures in finding a new p-doc.

On a totally unrelated note, I'd like to pose a question to all of you: I need to give my soon-to-be-former p-doc a nickname, so that when I talk about her in posts you don't confuse her with my OTHER former p-doc, whom I now refer to as "the asshole".

So what should I call her? The dingbat? No, that doesn't sound quite right. The White Russian perhaps? Maybe. She was Russian & quite capable of driving someone to drink. Anyway, if you think you can come up with a better nick, post it. If I like it, I'll use it.

Friday, March 02, 2007
After 16 phone calls to 13 different mental health providers, I have a new p-doc.

I won't be meeting with her until April 2. And I haven't even spoken to her yet, I set up everything with one of her clerical people. But I finally have one.

My next appt with the n-p who works out of my current p-doc's office is March 14. Right now my plan is not to say anything about the new p-doc. I'll just go in & pretend everything's fine & dandy. And hopefully get some prescriptions because I'm running low on doxepin & Xanax. That way, if my current p-doc doesn't terminate the relationship & the new p-doc doesn't work out, I can always go back. And if the new p-doc works out, so much the better.

I'd write more, but I've just hit depression city. I'm becoming more and more convinced that the depression & the anxiety are related. There's even some scientific evidence to suggest that depression may be a rebound from anxiety.

Sorry, I've got to quit now. My brain just isn't working anymore.

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