BINGE!
So I decided to hike to the grocery store after dinner tonight to buy baby carrots. And after doing my 15-minute hike to the grocery store in the freezing cold & dark, I was rather annoyed when I discovered that the store did not have any 1-pound bags of baby carrots. I also discovered that I was still hungry.

So, in addition to a bag of shredded carrots, I bought:

1 pint of B&J Lighten Up! Phish Food (hey, at least it was light!)
a bag of Lindt Dark chocolate truffles (with sale & coupon, $1.50)
3 bags of Pepperidge Farm Milanos (they were on sale & I had a coupon for 3)
3 cans of Progresso soup (again, on sale--for $0.99--and I had a coupon)
1 box of mac & cheese (not the kind with fluorescent orange powder, the kind with fluorescent orange cheese sauce)
2 loaves of Pepperidge Farm light wheat bread (yes, you guessed it: on sale, with coupon, but I had to buy 2 loaves, which is more than I'll use in 2 weeks, which is when it usually goes moldy because I don't have a real freezer for storage)
2 Ghirardelli chocolate caramel squares (BOGO coupon)

I ate 4 of the Milanos on the way home, & I just tucked away about 1/3 of the B&J. It probably would have been more than 1/2 if I haven't eaten the Milanos. And now I've got a 1/2 stick of butter on my counter & I'm waiting for it to thaw so I can have a toast binge.

Life is good......
- posted by Pat @ 9:16 PM | 0 comments

 
SOCIAL SUCKINESS
I had 2 events this week to remind me just what a social loser I am. As if I didn't already bleedin' know...

The first was an after-hours work-related event. It was very crowded, I had to shout just to make myself heard, and for that reason I didn't even try to make conversation with anyone. I just smiled and nodded to people and got the hell out of there as soon as I felt it was safe to do so. And yet my former boss thinks he can take me to task in my performance review for not being friendly. Just one of the many reasons why I thank God he's my former boss.

The second was ann alumni event hosted by my undergraduate alma mater. I know I'm supposed to mingle & chat people up at these things, but I didn't know anyone there (save for one person whom I absolutely can't STAND). So I just sat down by myself and sipped my (non-alcoholic) drink while I watched everyone around me.

There are a number of email lists I subscribe to which publicize local events in my area. I got an email today advertising a workshop in which people are taught how to approach the opposite sex. I actually thought about it, but 1) I'd be too humiliated to go through something like that, much as I so obviously need it) and 2) the cost was $99.

I just don't know how to interact with strangers. And I'm such a hypocrite, too. One minute I'll be sitting at home feeling sorry for myself because I never get invited to parties, then I'll actually go to parties and be reminded how much I hate them. You don't have to tell me how much of a jerk I am, I already know.

And now, some belated news from the land of GAD. I don't remember if I mentioned this in one of my earlier posts, but at my last p-doc visit I had requested that my doxepin dosage be lowered from 75 mgs to 50 mgs. Doxepin causes weight gain, and I've put on 15 pounds since I started taking it in August 2006. Well, I haven't lost any weight. But my depression has come back. I've spent the past 2 days sitting in my apartment doing virtually nothing. Admittedly, part of that is due to some nasty rainy shitty weather we've been having. But I've spent most of today and yesterday just lying on my couch.

No neat & tidy ending here. But that's about all I've got to say for now.
- posted by Pat @ 8:31 PM | 0 comments

 
THE ASSHOLE, PART DEUX
OK, so here's the info I promised in my last post.

Seems that my former p-doc (the asshole research guy, NOT the White Russian) will be giving a public lecture next month. I am seriously considering going. Not to rip him a new ass, but to hear what he has to say in his lecture. And while I don't plan to initiate a conversation with him, if he tries to talk to me I'm going to see if I have it in me to remain civil.

WHY, you ask. Why the hell would I go within 100 yards of a guy who 1) recklessly put me on a drug that enabled me to understand why depressed people kill themselves, and 2) kicked me to the curb twice, once in the middle of a relapse and once actually inducing a relapse? Why would I do something so crazy?

Well, first of all, I *am* crazy. :) Secondly, it's all part of this self-improvement plan I'm trying out for myself this year. I'm reading this book called Fat, Broke, and Lonely No More. I can't remember the author's name off the top of my head, but her first name is Victoria if you want to try & look it up somewhere. (I suppose I could just get off my lazy ass and walk 5 steps across my apartment to look at the book, but that would take too much work. :P ) As I'm typing this I'm thinking her last name might be Moran.

ANYWAY...the book is all about how our culture teaches us that being fat, broke, and/or lonely is the absolute worst thing that could happen to us and how we all do destructive things because of this fear. Like living at the gym (or, like me, living in denial) instead of living your life. Using retail therapy to fill the spiritual void inside you. Dating and hooking up with losers because we think it's better than sitting home alone on the weekends. You get the idea.

So, at the end of every chapter there's an action that the reader is expected to take before preceding onto the next chapter. A while ago I finished a chapter and the action was to do the impossible. Basically, the idea is that we have to do the things we think we can't do, the things we're afraid to do, the things we think are impossible to do, before we can grow and heal ourselves and improve our lives.

The directive only says to do one thing. But my life has been stuck in a rut for so long that I've decided to make a project out of this. I made a list of "Impossible Things" for me to do, divided by the 3 categories of Fat, Broke, and Lonely; and I'm going to spend the next year trying to do them.

Under the category of "Lonely" I decided that I should make a point of reaching out to the people I've cut out of my life because they pissed me off so horribly. Not because I want to go crawling back to them, not because I want the chance to rip them apart, but just to be civil and be done with it. If anything more than civility in that one encounter occurs, that's gravy. But it's not the goal.

I have been hurt so deeply by so many people for so long that it has seriously damaged my ability to trust. I have spent such a big part of my life walking around with my guard up waiting for the next blow to my face and ready at a moment's notice to run as fast as possible from the person who dealt the blow. What I'm very slowly beginning to understand is that EVERYONE I form a close relationship with is going to hurt me at some point. Not necessarily because they're cruel and they want to hurt me, but because people are human and they make mistakes and getting hurt is a fact of life. The damn difficult thing (for me, anyway) is recognizing the difference between a person who's being cruel or insensitive and a person who's just being a fallible human.

So that's why I'm reaching out to the asshole. I have no agenda. If he talks to me, I will try my best to be civil. And we'll see what happens.

Under the category of Fat, one of the things I listed was "Go without sugar/refined carbs for a day". Lately I've noticed that if I eat more than a few bites of something sweet, I feel sluggish afterwards. So I figured an occasional sugar purge would do me good. I tried it for the first time on Tuesday. I ate my normal breakfast of grape juice (just enough to swallow my meds), Cheerios with fat-free milk & a banana. My plan was to not eat anything sugar/carbish again until breakfast the next morning.

It wasn't until I got to work that morning that I realized I'd forgotten to carry my weekly bag of baby carrots, which I'd planned to nosh on during the day along with reduced-fat Triscuits (those are whole-grain carbs, NOT refined) and nuts. So I spent the day trying to limp along on Triscuits & nuts, with a can of Progresso light Vegetable and Noodle soup for lunch.

About 12:30 I caved and ate a cupcake. (Not the bakery kind that are the size of a small planet, a regular-size cupcake that you might bake at home.) I caved again around 4pm and ate a candy bar. And by the time I got home I said the hell with it and ate like I normally do. The times when I caved were the only times during the day when I DIDN'T feel hungry.

All I can say is, God help me if I become diabetic. I'm going to try sugar-purging again, once a week until I can get it right. There is NO WAY I could do this indefinitely, but I can do it for a day. Or at least try.
- posted by Pat @ 10:01 PM | 1 comments

 
AN ACTUAL GAD UPDATE
Yes folks, this is an update where I actually talk about GAD for a change.

First of all, a note to Jane: Great to hear from you again! Please post a comment with your email address in it (I won't publish it) so I can send you a private email. Thanks.

Now for some GAD news: Had an appointment with the nurse-practitioner a couple of weeks ago. To make a long story short, she asked to see my last blood work results. To make another long story short, I ain't giving them to her. If this office knows that my triglycerides are high, in their minds it will justify the scam the White Russian tried to pull on me. (For the record, my triglycerides were FINE at the time of the attempted scam.)

I also requested a reduction in my doxepin dosage, from 75 mgs to 50 mgs. The n-p didn't want to do it, but I insisted & she relented. Doxepin causes carb cravings & weight gain. Already I'm noticing a change in my food cravings. I'm finding now that when I eat too much sugar, I feel sluggish. I'm also not craving that Pretzel Time plain jumbo pretzel at the end of my workday like I used to.

The decision I have to make now is what I'm going to do as far as treatment goes after December. My 9/11 health benefit expires on 12/31, which means no more free rides for me. There's another benefit program starting in "early 2008", but I don't have details on it yet & I don't know if I'm eligible for it or not. With all the meds I've got stocked up & with the fact that my shitty health insurance only pays 50% of psych-related visits, I'm seriously thinking about going without a p-doc for a while. I know I'll have to get one eventually, because eventually the pharmacy I've got stocked up in my kitchen cupboard is going to dwindle. But I'm so sick & tired of getting jerked around by doctors.

Speaking of doctors who jerk me around, my ex-pdoc (the research asshole, not the White Russian) was quoted at length in a major magazine that just hit the newsstands. I don't want to give too many details. But I was flopped on my couch at home reading the latest issue when BANG! the name popped out at me. I nearly shit a brick.

I'll have more on the asshole later, in conjunction with a self-improvement plan I'm trying out. More when I have time.
- posted by Pat @ 11:46 AM | 0 comments