It's a GAD GAD World
Sunday, July 27, 2008
No, he hasn't called. Of course he hasn't called, he probably doesn't have my number.

And no he hasn't emailed. He probably slept in, then headed back to CT to be with his family. He probably doesn't have email access in CT.

And he's probably busy. Yes, that's it. He's busy working. That's why there haven't been any emails from him in the 300,000,000,000 times I've checked all my email accounts today. Even the ones I know he doesn't know about.

I knew this letdown was coming. I knew it even before I made up my mind that I was going to kiss him. I'm ok with it. Really. Nothing's changed on the outside. I'm still old, fat, and ugly. Bu for some reason last night I decided I wasn't going to let that stand in my way. Besides, this guy is 10 years older than me. Even if I am fat & ugly he should be flattered that he could snare a woman this much younger than him.

I didn't fall asleep until after 4am & I've been exhausted all day. Attempts to nap have been futile. Hopefully as soon as I sign off I will sleep like a rock.

To the regular readers of my blog (all what, 3 of you?)--Please indulge me for a moment while I write an email to my friend who died six years ago. Some of the stuff here you won't understand, but she will. And she's the person I would give anything to be able to talk to right now. And this is how I choose to talk to her.

Dear B,

It's after midnight, & I should be asleep by now because I have lots to do tomorrow (today). But I don't want to sleep because I don't want this night to end.

I'm sure you were there with me at the concert tonight. How glorious it was to see the old band reunited! They still sound amazing, don't they?

15 minutes before the show started, I spotted him. HIM. You never knew him, unfortunately. He played with what's-his-name after what's-his-name left the band to form his own band. And you never got to see what's-his-name play live. Even though I had known HIM for a few years, I didn't really get to know him until after you died. Jesus, he looked good.

The place was so packed, I didn't think I'd have a chance to talk to him. So I whipped out my cell & called his home phone (I didn't have his cell phone #) & left him a message: "Hey you crazy long-haired's 7:45 and I'm at the concert and I can see you from all the way across the room, but I don't know if I'll have a chance to say hi to you afterwards, so I'm saying hi now. Hi!...Behave yourself...Bye!"

The concert was glorious, as I'm sure you know. The minute it ended, I saw him out of the corner of my eye quickly making his way to the exit. I did my best to follow him, but it was so jam-packed that it took several minutes. I made it all the way to the outside bar & didn't see him. Then I looked outside. No sign of him.

So I doubled back inside, thinking I'd ask what's-his-name if he'd seen him. And then I saw him, standing at the bar. I went up to him and gave him a very enthusiastic hug, which he returned.

We talked for a bit. Got caught up on things. I hadn't seen him in over a year, so there was some catching up to do. I found out when his birthday's in about a month or so. And next year he'll be 50. So I've already decided I'm going to come up with a list of 50 things that are older than he is & make a goofy gift box out of it.

I don't know, B. Maybe it was the music, or maybe I'm finally starting to grow up. But I thought to myself that I've been carrying a torch for this man for years. Why the hell not act on it?

Finally he said to me that he had a friend he had to see, & asked if I was going to stick around. I said no, I had a bus to catch (which was true). And then I did it. I looked him right in the eye and said, "You're not old. Want me to prove it?" And then I took his face in my hands and I kissed him.

That's right. You read right. I actually worked up the balls to kiss a guy. And I've been floating ever since.

Oh B, I wish I could talk to you right now. You would be cheering for me. And you were always so optimistic, always believing in the possibility of love, even for someone as hopeless as myself.

And this is why I don't want this night to end. I know damn well he's not going to call or email me. And I know the next time I see him he's going to pretend it never happened. And this is a guy who's pushing 50 & can't get his act together because his self-esteem is in the toilet. But to quote Sheena Easton, when he shines...oh, man.....

He got his hair cut. And he's been doing yard work, so he looked really good. REALLY good.

And did you see what's-his-name's wife? Looks like after all these years he's FINALLY going to be a daddy! I'm so happy for him. The kid is due around Thanksgiving. I'll have to get a gift for the little critter-to-be.

Take care, B. I hope that you're happy and at peace wherever you are. God how I miss you...


OK, this ends my letter to my dead friend and this is me talking to you again. For the record, the guy I described in this letter is NOT the Cute Guy. He's someone completely different. Don't ask. I don't even understand it myself.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Thanks KeviLars for your thoughts.

Our whole departmet had a big meeting the other day to plot out what the hell we're going to do in my colleague's absence.

Here's the upshot of that meeting: I'm going to do it. Without any goddamn support whatsoever.

Still no word from my boss about my raise. And before you know it, it will be time for my annual performance review & they'll just give me my 3% (unless they come up with a creative way to give me a negative review) & they'll call that my raise.

If I could walk off this job TODAY, I would. But I can't. Not without another job in hand. I've been diligently checking the sites of some other places where I know I could be paid more, but there isn't much for which I'm qualified.

So until that fateful day comes, I've somehow got to figure out a way to come into work every morning with a smile on my face acting like I'm happy and grateful for the royal screwing I am about to receive.

I wonder if it's too late for me to trade places with my friend with cancer. Oh wait--she's dead. Yeah, I guess it is too late.

Sunday, July 20, 2008
I've got a computer problem, folks.

It doesn't really affect my blog, but it affects any comments that you post. The email address that I have connected to this blog is an Excite account. If you have an Excite account, you know that they recently upgraded things over there.

My cheap crappy computer with its Windows 98 operating system does not support this upgrade. This means that until I get my computer upgraded, I won't be able to access that email account. (This is my ANONYMOUS account, so I don't dare access it from work or anywhere else.)

What does this mean in terms of this blog? It means that when you post a comment, I'm not necessarily going to know about it unless I happen to log into Blogger to post. So if you post a comment, it may be a while before I approve it and it gets posted to the site.

The good news is that Uncle Sam came through with my economic stimulus check, & I've got a computer geek friend who thinks he can pimp my computer for about the same amount as the check. He's insanely busy, so it may be a while before that happens.

Further bulletins as events warrant...

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