THE BIG NIGHT--NOT!!
I had typed out almost the entire entry when my computer crashed. So I am not happy right now. Not that I was happy to begin with.

So the Cute Guy's big off-Broadway debut was tonight. And no, I never did lose any weight for the event. But that doesn't mean I didn't try to make an impression. And that doesn't mean that I didn't fail miserably.

I picked out my outfit a week in advance. I wore a black-and-maroon print blouse with a low-cut neck, with a necklace to accentuate the low-cut. I did my nails in a matching maroon color. Then I added a sexy black short skirt that I bought three years ago but never wore until tonight with matching black pantyhose and some wicked four-inch platform heels. This was important because CG is barely 5 feet tall. If I had the chance to stand up next to him I wanted to tower over him.

So the big day comes & I kill 8 hours at work doing absolutely nothing. (My boss took the day off & I didn't have anything important lined up.) Then it's time for me to get ready. I washed my face in the ladies' room & completely re-did my makeup. I even wore eyeliner, which I NEVER do because I usually end up looking like a raccoon. But I've been practicing for the past 3 weekends, so I was fairly confident I could do it without looking like a Rocky Horror reject. Then I got into my short sexy skirt & pantyhose.

Now--here's the moment when I knew how the night was going to end up. I was walking down the street on my way to the theater. I was rummaging through my purse trying to find something when someone behind me says:

"Excuse me, sir. You dropped something."

Admittedly, this is not the first time I've been addressed as "sir". It is, however, the first time I've been called that while wearing a skirt.

I give up. I just totally fucking give up. I was as dressed up as I could possibly be, and I STILL get mistaken for a guy! All I want is to know what it's like to be a woman before I'm too old. I'll never be a real woman. Never.

I am living proof that big breasts mean nothing. How can someone with 40DD breasts still be mistaken for a man? I am also living proof that sexual orientation is not a conscious choice. Because if I could be a lesbian, I could get laid like THAT! *snaps her fingers*

All I want is to be a normal woman in a normal relationship with a normal guy. But this will never happen. And I will go to my grave never knowing this basic fundamental part of human existence.

For the record, I did see the Cute Guy briefly. Part of the show shtick involves the cast members mingling with the audience before the show starts. He said hello, I mumbled something in response. And I was seated at the time, so I never got the chance to tower over him.

Maybe I don't deserve to be a real woman. Maybe somewhere in my life I've done something so horrible that now God is punishing me.

I just wish I didn't have this insatiable need to connect with someone. I wish I could just rip it out of my body & be done with it. I wish I could be neutered like an animal. Then I wouldn't care so much about being alone in the world.

I'm going to post now before the computer kicks me off again. And then I think I'm going to cry myself to sleep.
- posted by Pat @ 11:54 PM | 1 comments

 
WHY I'M NOT HYPOGLYCEMIC
Sometime after my last post I did a little research on hypoglycemia. While I appreciate Anonymous' insight, I don't think this is me.

First of all, 2 of the primary symptoms are shakiness & lightheadedness. I don't have either of those. Secondly, on my last fasting blood draw my glucose level was 102--which is up from my previous fasting levels, although not high enough to be diabetic or even pre-diabetic. (Normal is 60-120.)

I'm seriously thinking about NOT seeing a p-doc for a while after my 9/11 benefit runs out. I've got enough meds stocked up to open my own pharmacy, and I am just so sick and tired of dealing with quacks.

Sorry, but I don't have much else to say at the moment.
- posted by Pat @ 4:38 PM | 0 comments

 
MY BIG FAT FAILURE (LITERALLY)
So much for declaring war.

The reason I haven't posted in the past few days is because after getting home from work I was too exhausted to do much of anything except shove some dinner in my face and fall asleep. I haven't showered since Sunday night. (Washed my hair, changed my clothes, used all the proper hygiene products, but no showers.)

This afternoon I called my insurance company to try and get another copy of my EOB (Explanation of Benefits). The Red Cross program I'm enrolled in requires it in order to reimburse my practitioners. I still have this wild & crazy idea that I can convince the p-doc to fill out the damn form. (Call me crazy, but if all I had to do to get paid was fill out a simple one-page form, I'd fill out the damn form and send it in.)

Anyway, from the way the lady on the other end of the Oxford line acted, you would have thought I'd requested a deep-fried mongoose sandwich with extra nipples to go, please. "Oh...this is a highly unusual request...I'm not sure if I can help you...Why do you need it again?" I felt like such a moron. I know, it wasn't ME being the moron here, but this is how my crazy brain works. So after work I went to Starbucks & ordered one of those double chocolate chip frappucinos. Then I came home & did something I do only maybe 3-4 times a year. I ordered pizza. With cheesy bread.

I thought I was feeling better. Then I read the comment some anonymous soul just posted to me about how maybe I'm hypoglycemic and addicted to sugar. And now I'm crying like a baby. Honest to God, I have no fucking clue why this post is setting me off. And no, I'm not mad at the person who posted. Not at all.

Dammit, I was doing so well last week! I got shit done. I threw out an entire garbage bag of stuff.

Why can't I just learn to be happy with what I have? So what if I'll never be skinny or beautiful or know what it's like to be in a real relationship with a decent, caring man? So what if I'll never be able to afford my own home? Lots of people in the world do just fine without those things. Right?? Don't they???
- posted by Pat @ 8:30 PM | 0 comments

 
FOOD DIARY 9/3//07
Of little interest to those looking for GAD-related material...

Weight: 222

Breakfast: Plain Cheerios with fat-free-milk & a banana
Lunch: 1 package ramen noodles with peas, corn, & carrots (about 2 good handfuls' worth in total) with 1 can water-packed tuna and 2 tbsp of fat-free shredded cheddar cheese
Snacks: about 1 pint of Edy's Light Churned Double Chocolate Chunk Ice Cream
1 homemade chewy granola bar

Did I mention that I've already consumed a 1/2 gallon of ice cream over the weekend? So much for my resolve.
- posted by Pat @ 4:52 PM | 0 comments

 
FOOD JOURNAL 9/2
NOTE: This entry is mainly about my food & exercise for the day & has little to do with GAD. If that's why you're here, you might want to scroll down to get to the good stuff.

Weight (taken @ 9am): 221

9:45am:one bowl Fruity Cheerios with fat-free milk

12:30pm: 1 Hershey's miniature, dark chocolate mint

1:15pm: 1 grilled cheese sandwich on wheat bread, 2 carrot sticks

I've got a long weekend (had Friday off & have tomorrow off), so I decided that today was going to be my bum-around-the-city day. I won't bore you with too many details, but I took the subway to South Street Seaport, then wandered all the way to 14th St. & 6th Ave. , stopping at Peanut Butter & Co. on the way for lunch. This explains the grilled cheese--it's the cheapest thing on the menu, & I had a coupon for a free jar of peanut butter w/the purchase of any sandwich.

I've consumed a TON of water since eating the sandwich, which may explain why I'm only mildly hungry now, nearly 4 hours later.
- posted by Pat @ 5:40 PM | 0 comments

 
OK, IT'S WAR!
First of all, before I explain why it's WAR!, a message to Gonzo: I did not publish your post because you included your email addess in your message and I did not want that to become public. In regards to your most recent question, I would remind you that a) I am NOT a doctor, and b) I am only one person. You should not make medical decisions based on ONE person's experience with a particular drug. Again, I urge you to go to www.crazyboards.org & post your queries there. That way you won't be relying on just one person to answer your questions. You'll have a variety of people with a variety of experiences.

OK, this is why it's WAR! The Cute Guy is going to off-Broadway. I have tickets for opening night. I am determined to look my very best on this night. I want to bring a lump to this weasel's throat. (Not to mention his trousers. ;) )

Opening night is toward the end of this month. I figure I can probably drop a few pounds safely between then and now. Not many, but a few. So I'm going to chart my progress & keep a food diary here. Mind you, it won't be a complete food diary, as I don't have time to blog every day and besides, do you people really give a shit about what I eat every day? But maybe someone will spot a bad pattern in my eating and can alert me to it.

OK here goes: As of 3:45 pm on Saturday, September 1:

Weight: 222

Food eaten so far today:

1 bowl Honey Combs cereal with fat free milk
1 stick of string cheese
one chocolate-covered pretzel rod
1/2 Ghirardelli chocolate square with caramel

Wish me luck!
- posted by Pat @ 3:43 PM | 0 comments