It's a GAD GAD World
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Just some reminders to myself in case I ever get the urge to order pizza again:

1) Contrary to what you thought, the carbs did NOT knock you out and enable you to sleep. Even with a Tylenol PM and even with crawling into bed around 10pm, you were still tossing & turning until shortly before 5am.

2) The sodium level in that stuff is so high that you'll be gulping water until the cows come home. Or in your case, gulping water on & off till 5am when you finally fell asleep. And you woke up at 8:45am--thirsty!

3) You weigh 225 pounds. You are not getting any younger, and your metabolism is not getting any better. Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life?

4) Since leaving work on Tuesday night you have blown more than $120. More than $80 of that was spent just yesterday. (And none of it was spent on gifts since you currently have no reason to purchase gifts.) The $20 you dropped on pizza/tipping the driver last night did not help. This is why if you are unfortunate enough to live to reach retirement age you will have to either a) not retire or b) spend your retirement eating cat food.

So yeah, I'm regretting the pizza now. But last night just after I'd eaten it I felt good. Not happy, I don't think I'll ever be truly happy. But I was calm & content. If only there were a drug that makes me feel as good as food makes me feel.

Friday, November 23, 2007
I just downed an entire order of Domino's cheesy bread and almost 3 slices of a large pizza.

Tomorrow I'm going to regret this. Hell, I might even regret it in a few hours. But for now, the carb avalanche has made me calm and content.

Maybe I'm going stir crazy. I've gone shopping in a couple of places today, and I spoke briefly with the clerks who waited on me. That is the only conversation I've had since (I think) Tuesday when I left work.

How To Tell If You're Lonely:

*You're grateful that you ran into your neighbor who has a few screws loose yesterday because he said "Happy Thanksgiving" to you. He's the ONLY person who wished you a happy Thanksgiving yesterday.

*You have nothing better to do over the holiday weekend than watch the news. You start thinking that some of the newsguys are hot. You even go so far as to Google them to find out if they're single. (Not that a fat old worthless pig like you would even have a chance in hell with someone gorgeous enough to be on TV.)

*You start thinking the guy in the Viagra ad is hot. (Or maybe it's Cialis, I don't remember. But it's the one where the guy & his wife are in the kitchen about to get it on & the kitchen sink faucet explodes and showers water all over them.)

*You're the only person in America who doesn't get up at the crack of ass to go shopping on Black Friday. (You have no one for whom you need to buy a gift.)

*You look forward to getting junk mail because it proves you exist.

*You share all this worthless drivel in a blog because you have no one else to share it with.

As far as the gift thing goes, there's a "Secret Santa" charity thing going on at work. If you participate, you get a letter from a child making a Christmas request, & you have to spend about $50 on a gift. I'm thinking of doing it. Even if I won't have a happy holiday, the least I can do is try to keep someone else from having a miserable holiday.

So I'm reading this book "Fat, Broke & Lonely No More" by Victoria Moran. I mentioned her once before in a previous post. At the end of each chapter of the book there's an "assignment" for the reader. This chapter was about finding your life's work, your calling, your Reason For Being". The assignment was answering a bunch of questions like "Where do you most like to spend your time?" ( bed.) Who are the people you most enjoy hanging out with? What movies, TV shows, books do you prefer? What energizes you?

Now, you're supposed to write down the answers to all these questions & look for a pattern. The only pattern I can see is that I'm a music lover who desperately wants to be someone's girlfriend. I needed a book to tell me this??

NUMB3RS is starting in about 20 minutes. That is, if it didn't get pre-empted by some stupid football game. Maybe the carbs will help me pass out on the couch.

Thursday, November 22, 2007
The Family Thanksgiving Dinner...that time-honored tradition where millions of Americans travel hundreds if not thousands of miles to be together so they can spend an entire weekend psychologically abusing one another. And then they eat turkey.

You see? Being estranged from one's family has its advantages. I don't have to put up with that shit anymore!

If, like me, you find yourself alone on this holiday, I offer the following suggestion. Sit down in a quiet place with paper and a writing implement. Then think of 10 things you are thankful for and write them down. The things you write down may be very basic. Maybe you're thankful you're physically healthy, or you're thankful that you could afford your meds this month. But come up with 10 things and write them down. Then put the piece of paper in a drawer and save it till this time next year.

Hopefully by this time next year the world will have changed completely. We'll have world peace, the earth will be saved, and no one will ever have to be lonely on a holiday ever again. But if not, the 10 things you wrote down today will help you see that life isn't all bad. Just maybe 80-90% bad.

As for me, I'm thankful for my big, strong, beautiful cat. I'm thankful I have a job that pays my bills & my rent. I'm thankful I have a relatively cheap apartment in a place where mass transit and easily-walked-to things are accessible. I'm thankful for other things too, but I'm not going to share EVERYTHING in a public blog!

My only wish is for the same thing I wish for every year around the holidays. I wish someone would call me. That's it. Just a phone call. I'm not interested in taking away a free meal from someone who needs it more than I do. I just want someone to acknowledge my existence. That's it.

Sunday, November 18, 2007
A few years ago I posted an entry with the same title, but today's dilemma has nothing to do with that.

Before I get into it, thanks Antsie for your comment. For the record, I rarely drink coffee. Once in a while I'll have a Diet Coke at my desk at work first thing in the morning, poured into a big cup HEAPED with ice. It usually lasts me more than 1/2 a day. Then when I eat at fast food joints I usually order a Diet Coke, but I only drink enough to wash down my meal. Then I throw the rest out.

OK, onto my current dilemma (as if I only had one). When I moved from my original position at work into my current one, the HR director told me that since it was a lateral move, I would not be receiving a pay raise for moving. I would have to wait till my performance review in October to see if I got any kind of a raise. I was not happy about this, but I kept my mouth shut for fear I would lose out on the move & have to go back to my miserable situation with the nasty person.

Now, when I moved and was still under the impression that I might get a raise, there was a certain figure I was hoping for. I don't want to say what it is or what my current salary is, will just call the figure $GOAL. When my performance review came in October I did in fact get a raise. However, yearly raises are limited to a certain percentage. So my $CURRENT is still less than my $GOAL.

Last week I learned (don't ask me how) that $GOAL was the exact figure budgeted for my position into my department's fiscal budget. And even after my annual raise, I'm still making less than that.

It gets better. Another thing that happened last week is that I ran into a former colleague who now works at...oh, let's call it Big University. As a result of a conversation we had that day, she emailed me some figures. Turns out an entry-level admin just starting out at the very lowest level clerical position at Big U. earns slightly more than $GOAL.

I'm seriously thinking about leaving. If I can land a job at Big U., I'll automatically have a better salary. Probably better benefits too, and that's an issue since my current insurance doesn't cover psych care adequately. (If I go to see a PCP or any other type of specialist, my co-pay is $15. If I go to a mental health provider, my co-pay is 50%. Not $50, 50 PERCENT!) Plus, there's some shit at my current job that's really starting to piss me off. More on that another time.

So why haven't I updated my resume yet? 2 things. Onne of them is that if I manage to stay here till the end of November, it will be the longest I have ever held a FT job. The other is something I don't want to post online right now because it would be too revealing. Remember folks, the only reason I can be this open and honest in this blog is because I am completely anonymous.

So that's my dilemma.

Saturday, November 10, 2007
So this is the 2nd consecutive night I've been wide awake at 2am, mainly beccause I try not to take my Ambien if I don't necessarily have to be up early the next morning.

And for the past 2 nights my thoughts have been consumed by the thought I don't want to say it's just that. It's more than that, it's the desire to touch another human being.

He is faceless, nameless. And over and over in my mind I feel myself touching him. Stroking his face, running my fingers through his hair, snuggling against his arm. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself because this is the same damn fantasy I've had since puberty and for nearly 30 years, it's remained little more than a fantasy.

What do I have to do?? I don't know how to get past this. This is all I've ever wanted ever since I was old enough to want it, and at this point I realize that barring a major miracle, I'll never have it. What did I do wrong? Why don't I deserve the same as what nearly everyone else on the planet has experienced at least once in his/her lifetime. To quote the Saw Doctors, "To win just once would be enough."

I hate myself. I HATE MYSELF!! I'm such a loser. I think I'm a failure because I've never accomplished anything worthwhile in my life. And then I think well, I ought to go out and accomplish something, then. And then 1) I can't think of anything to accomplish, and 2) I realize even if I could think of something I wouldn't be able to do it because it takes all my strength & energy just to get off the damn couch every morning and go to work 5 days a week.

And some of you (if any of you are still reading by this point, which I seriously doubt because I've made several posts in the past few weeks and none of them have generated any response) might say, "Well then, just getting out of bed & going to work is what you're accomplishing, so be proud of that." Nobody wins any awards or earns any recognition just for getting out of bed in the morning. I don't want to be famous, but I want to be important. I want to be somebody. I want to matter. Because then maybe if I mattered I wouldn't be tossing and turning at 2am wondering what it would be like to touch a guy wherever and however I wanted without him objecting.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007
I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went to the asshole's lecture tonight. I spoke to him. And I was civil! :)

So last night I did some major preparation for this night. Did a lot of positive reinforcement stuff, did my nails, picked my outfit carefully, and...did something on the spur of the moment that turned out to be very smart.

So tonight I went to the lecture. And as I was standing in line I saw him walk into the building. It's a good thing I'm not prone to panic attacks, because I probably would have had one. My body instantly went into "Oh shit!" mode. But I held it together.

I sat through the lecture, which was actually pretty interesting. And then it was time to leave. And I thought about just walking out. But then I realized that walking out would defeat the whole purpose of the exercise. Even though I promised myself I wouldn't initiate any contact with him, I decided to break my rule.

So a small crowd of people was standing around him asking him questions afterward. I patiently waited my turn. When it finally came, he looked me in the eye & said "Hi".

Now--here's where the smart thing I did last night came into play. What I had done was print out a copy of the letter I wrote to Forest last year asking them to do research on Namenda. At the bottom of the letter I had written, "PS--They called me a week later." And as I stood before him tonight I handed him the letter and said, "Here's a present for you."

Then he said, "I saw you sitting back there." And as I turned away I muttered under my breath "I bet you did." And I left.

So maybe this wasn't a huge deal. But what it proves is that as a humble solitary patient I've done more to further the cause of Namenda than he has, and he's a big-shot, multi-published research scientist. So nyaah!

But I achieved my impossible goal. I reached out to someone who royally dicked me over and I was civil.

It's 11:15pm right now and I am going to be SOOO tired when I wake up tomorrow. But it was worth it.

Saturday, November 03, 2007
I went to my friend's wedding. Then I headed straight to the reception site before anyone else got there, dropped my gift off, and left.

As of 18 hours ago I wasn't sure I was going to make it. I was up crying till about 4am. Then I took some klonopin & that helped me get to sleep. I woke up around 10am and basically did nothing till it was time to get ready.

And now I'm home in my jammies & I've just downed a pint of Haagen Dazs Light Chocolate Fudge Brownie, & I feel resigned. Not happy, but resigned. I'm alone, but I've got my cat beside me. And this is how my life is going to be.

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