It's a GAD GAD World
Sunday, September 29, 2013
I have to keep these posts short because Google/Blogger is now fucking with the formatting. Mr. Reporter is now a married man. He's probably had more sex in the past month than I'll ever have in my lifetime. As soon as I found out I did the cyberpurge as I should: Deleted my posts from his FB page, Unliked the page so he doesn't pop up in my feed, archived his messages so I don't see them, unfollowed him on Twitter & deleted my most recent tweets to him. And I'll peek at his station from time to time, but avoid it completely if I know he's going to be on. I have not seen his face or heard his voice since he took his vows. Good girl, right? Wrong. Despite all this I can't stop thinking about him. When I close my eyes I can't stop seeing him in front of me. And I've TRIED, believe me. I know what I need is some other male to distract me. But if I could do that, I wouldn't have wasted 2 years yearning for someone I only knew through TV. When I'm on my deathbed, my only regret will be that I never found anyone to love me.

Thursday, September 05, 2013
There have been 3 weddings in my life over the past week. Actually, they HAVEN'T been in my life, but that's part of the problem. Last week one of my friends got married. To say he's a friend is a bit of a stretch. We met at a concert more than a decade ago(we have a few bands we like in common), he sings in a band (I've gone to some of his shows), and I know from FB conversations I've seen & artistic work he's done as well as meeting his now-ex-wife that he likes heavier women--or at least he doesn't have a problem with them. I can't say I've ever pined or lusted heavily over him. But it bugs me that 1) I wasn't in on the wedding plans (guess I'm not as much of a friend as I thought I was), and 2) once he got divorced and started dating again why didn't it ever occur to him to maybe ask me out once in a while? We get along on the occasions when we see each other, and my weight obviously isn't a turnoff for him. Why didn't I ever show up on his radar? Wedding #2 hasn't happened yet. Someone local and semi-famous that I follow just announced his engagement. I've met him a couple of times & he's a super nice guy. I can't say we're friends, having only met on these 2 occasions. But his fiance is super pretty. And it just reminds me that this will never be me because I'm not super pretty. And then...I just broke down and cried over those two words, knowing what I'm about to type. It's stupid for me to cry over this. IT IS SO FUCKING STUPID FOR ME TO CRY OVER THIS. But cry I do, and here I vent because I have no other place to do it. Mr. Reporter hasn't been on the air much lately. I thought maybe he'd jumped ship & moved to another station. (There's some stupid 3-month 'no-compete' clause in TV news that says if you leave one station and go to another in the same market, you have to wait 3 months before you can appear on-air.) Checked his Twitter feed recently--nothing for almost a month. Then today I checked his personal FB page, which is something I rarely do unless I have a reason. One of the few public posts he has there (he keeps his personal page locked up like Fort Knox, as he should) has a reference to a woman. I look up the woman on FB. Her page is locked up too, but her cover photo is of her and Mr. Reporter. I think, "OK, he's got a girlfriend. Doesn't mean it's serious." I decide to go to Google to see if I can learn anything about her... ...And that was when I found their wedding registry. And their wedding album. He proposed to her almost a year ago. And they're getting married very soon. IT IS SO FUCKING STUPID FOR ME TO CRY OVER THIS!!! I never even met the man. He wouldn't recognize me on the street if I ever bumped into him. And now I know why he barely acknowledged my existence whenever I'd try to communicate with him on social media. He just wasn't interested. It probably didn't even dawn on him that I was, given that I bent over backwards to not say anything overtly flirtatious. Or maybe it did and he didn't want to encourage me. His fiance is petite and pretty. So maybe I wouldn't have had a shot anyway. But WHY THE FUCK NOT?? Why doesn't it ever happen for me? What is so terrible and so awful and so wrong with me that I can't even get a second glance? Or an email? I spent 2 FUCKING YEARS dreaming about this man, drooling over him here in this blog. And nobody needs to tell me that obsessing over someone you only see on TV is a big fucking waste of time, but it's not like I had anybody else. I don't know what else to say except that my heart is broken. For no good goddamn reason. If anybody's reading this could you please reach out to me? I am so miserable right now & I can't talk to anybody about it because I'm too ashamed. I just went to his FB page & deleted all of my comments on it. I don't want anyone else to know how pathetically I followed him.

Thursday, August 08, 2013
I really don't have much to say, but it's been a while since I've posted. My entire life now revolves around eating, sleeping, and surfing the net. If it weren't for social media I would have almost no human interaction at all. Back in December I worked 2 days for a temp agency that ultimately tried to screw me. I have not worked since. Aside from those 2 days, I have not worked since leaving School of Style. This is the longest I've been unemployed since I came home from college. Fortunately, I still have unemployment. But that expires at the end of September. And then I REALLY don't know what I'm going to do. If I got cut off today I would have enough money to last maybe 6 months. But then I'm screwed. Like I said, not much to report. But there it is.

Monday, June 10, 2013
First, I will actually talk about something GAD-related for a change.

When I first lost my job, I pretty much stopped taking my meds cold turkey. I have no idea when I'll be able to get meds again. While I do qualify for assistance under Zadroga, the catch is that I have to visit the clinic EVERY WEEK in order to get any kind of drug help. And I can't afford the $13/week it would cost me to go into the city.

A few weeks ago I started noticing a tremor in my hand. Twitching is one of the physical symptoms of GAD. So I went back on Namenda for a few days and it went away. And I've had some periods in the past month or so when I've felt nervous/anxious for no particular reason. Took doxepin for a few days, the anxiety went away.

So last week I had a job interview. Before I left my apartment I popped a klonopin. I was fine during the interview, but for the rest of the day I just felt really sluggish & crappy.

Then it dawned on me. Klonopin was a drug I was taking nearly EVERY FUCKING DAY while I was working. How did I manage to do it?

And now, back to my favorite subject--Mr. Reporter. How bad is it this week? I was up till 1am last night/this morning reading astrological sites talking about how to seduce a man of his astrological sign. I don't know exactly when his birthday is, but I've seen enough birthday comments on his FB page to have a pretty good clue as to his sign. Astrologically, we're not TOTALLY compatible, but we're compatible enough.

Of course, if I'm going to seduce the man, I have to meet him first. I honestly don't know if that will ever happen.

But many of these sites say that in order to pique his interest, you should challenge him intellectually. Voice a viewpoint that's controversial/significantly different from his own. Well, check. I've been doing that for nearly 2 years! I like his reporting, but I don't necessarily like everything he does. And when I disagree with him or think he could take his report further, I tell him. Of course, I also tell him when I think he's doing a good job. The way I look at it, he probably doesn't want someone who's going to blow fluff up his ass all the time. And this way when I tell him I like what he did, he knows that it's because I really do like what he did. Because if I didn't I wouldn't hesitate to tell him.

These sites also say to let him make the first move, and let him think that every move is his idea. OK, maybe not that difficult. In all the time I've been following him I have never once attempted to meet him or even suggested to him that we do. This is because I'd rather never meet him at all than do/say something that would make him reluctant to meet me. You have to be careful with people when you're in the public eye. If I start putting pressure on him that could freak him out. So I don't.

But then it says that I have to be very confident in bed. Uh-oh. I might need a lot of klonopin if/when I ever get to that point. But as we all know, that's a HUGE if.

Sunday, May 19, 2013
I'm sorry I haven't posted much in the last few months. There really hasn't been much to tell.

For the past several months I've really had no schedule except to get to the library when it's open. I have a better internet connection there & I use it to job hunt. I make sure I apply for a certain number of jobs every day, resorting to job boards when I can't find anything open at local colleges. But every day I apply for something.

I'm ok financially for the moment. Not great, but ok. I've got unemployment & to make a convoluted story short, if I don't do anything stupid to fuck up I've got guaranteed income for the remainder of the calendar year as long as I make a good faith effort to look for work. Which I am.

The thought of what might happen if I don't find a job by Christmas scares me. But if the folks at my last job came to me today & offered me my job back, I wouldn't take it. I haven't been this stress-free in a very long time.

How stress-free? I'm almost completely off my meds. I'll pop one once in a while, depending on what's going on. But I really don't need them now. Contrast that to the last month of my job, when I was doing my usual Namenda & doxepin every day, along with a klonopin every morning before I left for work, xanax during the day when things got too unbearable, and remeron practically every night because the Ambien wasn't enough to calm me down to sleep.

So what do I do all day? I get up, eat something, go to the library until I get hungry or I get kicked off because there's someone else waiting, take a walk, go home & eat something, watch the news/fall asleep, get up and netsurf/eat, then try to sleep. Even though I go to bed around midnight I usually don't fall asleep till after 3am. Then I get up & do it all over again.

I no longer dread Sundays. I actually enjoy them now. And when I go to a show it's because it's something I REALLY want to see because I don't have money to go to everything that strikes my fancy.

I'm also spending *way* too much time following Mr. Reporter. He just did a really big story that took him several months and a lot of legal wrangling to complete. He worked his ass off & he did a good job, and I shot him a message basically telling him that--although not in those exact words. He said thanks. It's only the second time this year he's made any attempt to communicate with me.

And that's ok. I'm not interested in pushing him. I have no right to push. I'm a complete stranger to him. I've never met him, don't know if I ever will. If I do, great. If not, I'll be happy to drool from afar. Given a choice, I would rather never meet him than do/say something that would make him afraid to meet me.

And if you think I'm talking way too much about him here, it's because I almost never talk about him with anyone else. I gotta have SOME outlet, ok? I have one online friend whom I trust, and one real-life friend whom I trust. There's a 3rd person who knows, but long story short, I couldn't come up with a convenient lie at the time. But he doesn't talk to me much about it, & I don't bring it up.

Y'know what's weird, though? He doesn't seem to have many friends at his workplace. I follow other people at his tv station through social media, because I like them & they seem like cool people. The others talk back & forth to each other & joke around, but he doesn't. And when the local Emmys happened a few months ago and some of the others won some awards, they were high-fiving each other all over the place. But when Mr. Reporter won an award, there was only one person at the station who congratulated him.

Of course, this is what played out on social media. Things could have been different in real life.

Speaking of real life, I need some real sleep so I can get up early tomorrow & do some recycling.

Monday, January 14, 2013
It's been so long since I posted that the email account I use just for this blog expired. So I had to open a new account before I could post again.

I've been putting off this post for a while now because I didn't want to commit this to paper. Cyberpaper, whatever. Approximately a week after my last post I was fired.

I know I'm supposed to feel shamed and disgraced for being dismissed. I know I'm supposed to try and learn from this and focus on what I did wrong. But I don't feel ashamed, and I don't feel like I did anything wrong. In fact, I feel pretty good for someone who has no job and no money. I'm still fighting with the unemployment gods for compensation. But that's not the fault of School of Style. That's just governmental red tape.

I feel so much better now that I don't have to go into that office and deal with those catty little bitches. I've been catching up on my sleep, watching a lot of news, and yes, I've been job hunting. Nothing on that front yet, but I'm working on it. I have to--you have to be able to prove you're looking for work if you want to collect unemployment. And I'm almost off my meds completely. Despite being unemployed, my anxiety levels are lower than they've been in months.

And once word got out that I was out, more than a dozen people came forward and agreed to be references for me. That alone speaks volumes to the contribution I made when I was there.

I've been watching so much news that I'm now lusting after 2 reporters. In addition to Mr. Reporter, whom I've spoken about often, I'm also following another reporter on the same station whom I'll call Mr. Congeniality.

I'll type more when I feel like it. But I think I'm going to go to bed now. I just wanted to post something because I haven't in a while.

Thursday, November 01, 2012
On Friday my boss & I had a major blowout right before I was supposed to leave. I don't want to re-hash the details because I don't want to re-live it. A few hours earlier we'd been notified that we'd be closed on Monday because of Sandy.

My GAD has gone through the roof over the past several months. I'm popping klonopin & remeron like candy. I spend every weekend feeling sick to my stomach and crying like a baby because I don't want to walk into the office & deal with the bitches I have to work with. In discussions with friends, more than once I've been told that I'm being bullied. I don't know if that's accurate or not, but it's a possibility. I just hate my life the way it is now & I feel like I can't do anything to change it. I feel like an animal trapped in a cage with no way out. I feel like killing myself is the only way out. Mind you, I do NOT want to kill myself. But it's pretty bad when it feels like suicide is your best option.

I'm so desperate to leave my job that I'm thinking of applying for jobs in City By the Sea. I've been there before. It's an easy trip. I don't know anyone there, so I'll be lonely and miserable, but I don't see how that could be any worse than where I am now. And they have a decent mass transit system.

As soon as I left the office I made 2 phone calls. One to a colleague who recently revealed he'd been given permission to hire an assistant. I called to tell him I was interested. The second call was to the Dean. I told him I'd had enough & couldn't take it anymore. He set up an appt for me to come in and meet with him on Tuesday.

Then the hurricane hit. Long story short we're closed the entire week. Hopefully I'll see him when we re-open. Dean called me today to check on me & see if I was OK.

I am ok. Hurricane-wise, at least. I suffered no damage. But I've been watching the coverage non-stop & I know I'm very lucky.

Of course, Mr. Reporter has NOTHING to do whatsoever with me being glued to the tube all this week. Nothing at all. The day the hurricane hit he was on the Jersey shore taking some very crazy chances. I actually emailed him & told him to be careful and that a storm wasn't worth him doing something stupid. Then when I saw him on the shore trying to be macho I told him that if I ever met him in person I didn't know whether I'd shake hands or strangle him for being so reckless.

You know what I want to do with this guy? Aside from the obvious, I mean. Before the local Emmy awards I posted an inspirational song on his page. I want to take him to see the band who performs that song. I bought the soundtrack to a funny musical recently & I listened to it tonight. I want to go to this musical with him. Maybe on my next anniversary of escaping my shithole hometown I'll buy tix. Just for me. I know there won't be anyone for me to go with.

I wanted to be the person this guy came home to after a long day being out in the storm. I wanted to fix him grilled cheese sandwiches while he took a long hot shower. And after he ate, I wanted to do whatever he wanted to do, whether that was sleep or sex or something else.

I feel like a shelter animal no one wants to adopt. I would make such an awesome companion if only someone would open their heart & give me a chance. Instead I sit trapped in solitude, waiting and praying to be euthanized so I don't have to live another day being so miserable and lonely.

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