MY BLOODY VALENTINE
Started bleeding this morning. I'm only noting this because I want to keep track of how long it lasts. And if I don't note it I won't remember. For the record, I stopped bleeding sometime around Christmas.

And now, back to my regularly scheduled shoe-gazing.
- posted by Pat @ 11:53 PM | 0 comments

 
WHY? JUST....WHY?
Thanks Sweetie for your thoughts. To answer a few of your questions...

*I did try the online dating thing for a while when I first moved to the Big City. Length of time I gave it: 2 years. Number of men I met face-to-face during that time: more than 20. Number of men I saw again after that initial first encounter: 2. Number of men I became romantically involved with: 0. Number of men with whom I am still in contact: again, 0.

*As for the NYC TV guy hookup (he was just cleared of all charges last night, btw)--no, they weren't in their 20s. He's in his early 40s and I think she was in her 30s. What struck me as really odd about it is that he has this image of being kind of a bumbling nerd-muffin. And while not unattractive, he's not the drop-dead gorgeous type you see everywhere on TV. Certainly not some prowling stud. The kind of guy I'd like to date if he weren't related to a prominent government official whom I find utterly abhorrent. If even the nerd-muffins engage in random hookups, what hope do I have?

I originally signed on here tonight for completely different reasons & then saw Sweetie's comments. (I also saw some comments that were apparently posted years ago but didn't show up until now. Sorry about that, Jane.) I'm just so disgusted with the world and with human beings in general. There's just so much stupidity and hatred and yelling. It just makes me want to stay in bed and never come out. There's a Peanuts cartoon where Lucy says "I love mankind, it's people I can't stand." That's sort of how I feel. Or maybe it's that I like people and hate humankind. I don't know. So many knee-jerking mouth-breathers shooting off their mouths and not thinking. The shouting is so loud, and the stupidity and hatred are so vast, and I am so small.

And somehow in this vast swirling cesspool that is humanity I somehow cling to the belief that there might be one person out there who isn't like that. Where could he be? It's like searching for a needle in a haystack. I feel like I'm screaming to the world in a language only I can understand. I scare and intimidate people just by breathing and existing and being me. Why does being me terrorize and alienate so many people? Why is it that the only way I can keep the people I care about in my life is to keep them at arm's length. Why is it that every time--EVERY DAMN TIME--I open up about how I feel, I end up getting kicked in the teeth?

I just don't think I can be a part of this world anymore. But what choice do I have?
- posted by Pat @ 7:59 PM | 0 comments

 
WTF AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
It must be sweeps time. Mr. Reporter is part of a snazzy new promo for the station & he's got a big story running tomorrow night.

I know how this works, because I've done it so many times before. I'll obsess over him until I no longer have a reason to obsess over him and then I'll just find someone new to obsess over. And why do I obsess over public figures like a junior high girl? Because my way of relating to guys is stuck in junior high. I'm in a seemingly permanent state of arrested development. I don't know how to relate to men like an adult. And I wonder why I'm so lonely. And I wonder how to fix it. How do you meet someone and get them to fall in love with you when you've never done it before?

The answer is that you don't. If there's one thing all my shoe-gazing has taught me, it's that I cannot make anyone fall in love with me. If I could, I would have done it a long time ago. And since I have no power in that realm, I'm doomed to spend the rest of my life alone.

I feel like my whole life is just marking time until I drop dead. Mr. Reporter and all the unavailable men I obsess over are just drugs. Music--which I live eat sleep and breathe--is just a drug. The games I play online (not cyberstalking, I mean REAL games like Bejeweled) are just a drug to pass the time. Except for work, everything I do is just a drug to pass time. There is no real meaning and no real joy in my life.

So how the fuck do I get out of it? How do people manage to fall in love with each other? How do people wake up EAGER to face the day? How do people fall so deeply in love with life that they weep at the prospect of losing it?

What do I do? Start attending hippie dippie new age feel-good bullshit seminars? Volunteer in a soup kitchen? Adopt an overseas child whom I can allegedly feed for 14 cents a day? All I know is I don't know how much longer I can just exist in this life with no reason to stay in it.

HELP ME PEOPLE!!
- posted by Pat @ 6:17 PM | 1 comments

 
HERE I GO AGAIN ON MY OWN
...goin' down the only road I've ever known
like a drifter I was born to walk alone

When I was younger and braver that song was my personal statement about how I did things my way and in my own time and how I didn't follow conventions just because they were conventional. Now that I'm older and wimpier the song is just a pathetic ironic commentary on my (lack of) love life.

Let's see...how to tell this story without giving away too much identifying information? First of all, this is a story about Mr. Reporter. (You know, the one I've never met, the one who's several years younger than I am, the one I don't even stand much of a chance of meeting, let alone hooking, because he's either got a ton of much younger and much more attractive women on his tail and/or other body parts or he's gay.)

Once upon a time, Mr. Reporter worked in a city that I'm familiar with. (Not the city near which I currently live.) He recently made a public comment about missing a certain restaurant in Other City.

So I did some net-sleuthing and discovered that there's a restaurant here that serves some of the Favorite Restaurant's food. I also discovered that there's a bar not too far from the restaurant that serves an alcoholic beverage manufactured only in Other City. (Mr. Reporter likes his alcoholic beverages.)

I found this stuff in the morning. I debated for about half an hour as to whether I should send him the information. I hesitated because I've posted info to him before. Never gotten any response, never expected to. Then I did the wimpy thing and asked a few of my FB friends what they thought. Out of 7 people, 1 person responded & said I should do it because it might turn into a date. I would have laughed at her response if it hadn't been so pathetic.

Bottom line: I posted it. I do not expect to hear from him. I'll be lucky if he doesn't kick me off the board.

It's just part of a pattern that I can't seem to shake. I pine for impossible men because there don't seem to be any REAL possible men out there. And on the rare once-a-decade moment when I do find a real possible man, it blows up in my face. (See: Red.)

On the good news front, my Boss is away from the office for the next 3 days. My colleague and I had a very peaceful & productive day.

I still wish I could get an answer on the sex question I wrote about in my last post.
- posted by Pat @ 9:23 PM | 0 comments

 
I HAVE A QUESTION
There's something I want to know. And I know I don't have too many people who follow this blog, but I'm asking here because I'm too ashamed to admit that I don't know the answer.

If you're in the NYC area you might have heard that there's a news personality who's in a bit of hot water. (And no, it's not the Hot Reporter I've mentioned in previous posts. Completely different person.) Seems that about 3 months ago Newsguy met a woman on the street. They went into a bar, had a few drinks, then they headed to the office where she works & had sex. The woman is now claiming that it wasn't consensual, that it was rape.

Here's what I want to know. And I'm sorry I have to ask this, because I really don't know. How do two complete strangers meet on the street and end up having sex with each other? Please understand that I am not condemning people who do this. Whatever two consenting adults choose to do, so long as they don't hurt each other or anyone else, is up to them. I just want to know how people can have sex with people they barely know.

I *want* to have sex. Even though it scares me to death, I truly want it. But I want it to be with someone I know. Someone I feel comfortable and safe with. Someone who fits me like my favorite pair of jeans or a warm cuddly sweater.

And just as I typed that last sentence a song by Cute Brother popped up on my Realplayer. Crap.

Is that my problem? That I expect too much before jumping into bed? Not that anyone's wanted me to jump in their bed. You might think that's hypocritical after my cyberfling with Mr. Married. But you have to understand that I've known Mr. Married since I was a teenager. I thought I'd be safe with him. I thought I could trust him. Obviously I was wrong.

My New Boss hates me. I don't want to go into it. But it's not a question of whether she's going to fire me, it's a question of when. It's getting late and my internet is crapping out, so I'm going to post before I lose this forever.

If you have an answer for me I'd really like to hear it.
- posted by Pat @ 10:46 PM | 1 comments

 
I'M FINE
All of my test results came back near the end of December. Mammogram/ultrasound: normal. Echocardiogram: Normal. Stress test: I didn't last the full 8 minutes (I could only do 6), but they were able to get the info they needed, which was that elevating my heart rate doesn't induce my heart to jump to the unregulated WPW pathway. And most importantly...my latest blood work shows that my triglycerides dropped by 90 points. My overall cholesterol level is still a little high, but I'm not a heart attack waiting to happen. As for my blood glucose, apparently I have to score a 5.6 to be within "possible increased risk for diabetes". I came in at 5.7--but this could have had something to do with all the carrot sticks I was munching prior to the blood draw. Normally I can make it the full 12 hours without feeling REAL hungry, but for some reason this time around it was really difficult. Carrots do contain a small amount of sugar.

So I'm fine, bitches. And contrary to what the cardio clowns told me, my heart is NOT running on the unregulated WPW pathway 24/7, which means I am NOT about to drop dead of cardiac arrest at any given moment. I mean, it still could happen, but given that I've been living with this my whole life, and that I've only had 2 episodes in the past 2 years, neither of which raised my heart rate to a dangerous level and neither of which even caused me to lose consciousness, it isn't likely.

I was hoping to venture out and do something today, but it's just too damn cold. I like to go out on Sundays when I don't have to work the next day because I troll the public garbage cans for Sunday coupon inserts, but it is FREEZING out. And I have to go out tomorrow because I have a p-doc appointment.
- posted by Pat @ 1:49 PM | 0 comments

 
GIMME GIMME GIMME A MAN AFTER MIDNIGHT
I don't think I have ever wanted a man as badly as I do right now.

What the fuck is WRONG with me?? It's fucking CHRISTMAS EVE!! What am I doing all alone? Am I really so repulsive that no one thinks of me on this night?

I know my family doesn't give a shit about me. I can deal with that. But I really thought after all this time I would have established ties & found a community of friends I could rely on. But it hasn't happened.

I would give anything just to be held right now. Just to have someone to be with and talk to.

I've been thinking about that stupid reporter nonstop for the past couple of days. I'd love to know where he is right now. I don't want to hunt him down & stalk him, I just want to know where he is. Covering a story so the married reporters with kids can be home tonight? On a train on his way home? Stuck at home in his apartment?

Don't worry. As lonely as I am right now, I have no inclination to physically stalk someone. I can't be bothered with that crap.

I sent a snarky email to the Cute Brother earlier today. It was kinda funny--a Bill Maher quote--but kinda mean-spirited too. Maybe I shouldn't have sent it. My one comfort is because he's with his family now he probably won't see it till after the holiday.

I have a friend who's in the hospital right now. I called her this evening thinking I could comfort a friend who's stuck in a hospital and focus on someone besides myself & have a nice long conversation. About 5 minutes into the conversation her family showed up. So that went down the tubes.

In about an hour I'll take some drugs. Then hopefully I'll sleep all day.

Right now I'm snarfing Hershey's Kisses non-stop.

I just want to be with someone tonight.
- posted by Pat @ 10:21 PM | 0 comments